My Co-Worker Kissed the Boss

January 7, 2011

Please click here to read about what I knew about gal before this interview.  And yes, I asked her about smooching the boss.

An Interview with our Loan Processor

Just the Assistant:  First thing’s first…I see you have a pretty nice view of Anthropologie …any sales?

Rachelle:  Yeah, look, you can see the sign right out the window.

JA:  Actually I can’t Rachelle.  Because I don’t have a window.  Nobody does but you.  Interesting.

Rachelle:  Hmmm, maybe you should talk to James about you getting a window?

[I would like to take this moment to point out that Rachelle is totally out of touch with reality]

JA:  Yeah, well, what the heck do you do anyway?  What is a Processor?

Rachelle [insert hair flip here]:  What don’t I do?

JA:  Answer the question, Rachelle.  What does it mean to process a loan?

Rachelle:  Processing a loan means taking information from all the different sources – the borrower, appraisers, surveyors, etc., and prepping all that information before it goes to the underwriter. I analyze every bit of information we have dealing with the loan and I make it into a pretty package with a bow to go to the underwriter.

[note:  I don’t know what an underwriter is either, but I didn’t think it was time to ask since I’ve worked here for years, and I should totally know– I think it has something to do with getting a loan approved or not]

JA:  So give me an example of something you might have to fix in a loan package before it goes to the underwriter?

Rachelle:  Let’s say a borrower has turned in a bank statement to us with a large deposit on it, and it’s obviously not a direct deposit of a paycheck or anything.  I’m the one that goes back to the borrower and finds out what that deposit is – was it a gift from your parents, etc, and I make sure we have the correct paper trail and explanation for it.  Nobody just happens to have ten thousand dollars at home in cash then just decides to deposit it.

JA:  So you make sure nothing fishy is going on in a loan?

Rachelle:  That’s part of it.  A lot of times I’m like the bad guy because I’m the one calling the borrower and asking for more documentation, or letters of explanation.  I’m a little bit of a compliance manager.

[There she goes again throwing that “manager” word around again]

JA:  Enough of that m’am…How do you get your hair bigger than mine?

Rachelle (growing more animated by the second):  You’re not from Texas, are you?  See, it involves two things:   A pick, and hairspray…

[I’ve never seen the lady get so excited.  It was as if I’d asked a composer to play me his favorite piece, a chef to cook me his favorite meal.  I have found Rachelle’s passion, and it’s her big Texas hair.  She went into this detailed process of blow-drying, flipping, teasing, smoothing, spraying…I’m exhausted just thinking about what goes into that do.  Makes me thankful for my curly haired parents for giving  me naturally big hair, even if it comes from Georgia]

JA:  Lastly Rachelle.  You know it.  I know it.  You kissed the boss, Chad, on the mouth.  Would you like to explain?

Rachelle:  I think if I want to stay happily married to my husband, we’re going to need to kiss.

JA:  Ha!  And lastly, how long have you been married to Chad?

Rachelle:  Five glorious years.  Six in April.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rachelle Helmcamp, the best loan processor in the country, and the wife of my boss …