My Boss’s Belly Button
Apparently, my boss Chad has won some fancy award, and our company is sending him on a trip to Florida. No one invited me though, so I thought I’d get to the bottom of this…
My Boss’s Thoughts on Revealing His Belly Button to Corporate
An Interview with Chad Helmcamp
Just the Assistant: First thing’s first…what the heck is the Circle of Excellence? I know they’ve been sending e-mails out about it, but I delete them because I’m pretty sure they’re not talking about me.
Boss: The Circle of Excellence is Envoy Mortgage’s top producers out of all the hundreds of loan officers in the company. It’s the top five branches, and top ten loan officers in units (number of loans closed) and volume of the loans (money). I actually qualified for both units and volume.
[Note: I think this is a pretty big deal because it shows two different aspects of our borrowers. First of all, a lot of people come to my bosses for loans (that’s where the units part comes in). These loans range from the first time home buyer buying a $100,000 condo, to people refinancing their million dollar homes. It shows me that a lot of different types of people trust my bosses, and for good reason.]
JA: Have you ever been to Florida?
Boss: Twice. Once as a young lad on a church retreat to Panama City with First United Methodist’s youth group. My friend and I had a lawn mowing business that summer, and that trip was our vacation from mowing lawns. Actually, the lawn mowing business was with my sister’s boyfriend at the time…
JA: [Baffled that he just used the word “lad” with a straight face] Uh, Chad?
Boss: Blah blah blah… And then once I had a layover in Miami, but I never even left the airport, so does that count? I was on my way to-
JA: Hey Chad, could we get on with the interview?
Boss: And then my dad took us to Disney World once as –
JA: Listen, I’m glad you got to go to church camp and I’m so happy your dad loves you and took you to see Mickey and all, but I was really just looking for more of a “Yes, I’ve been to Florida” or “No, I’ve not been to Florida.”
Boss: Oh [clears throat], uh, yes, I’ve been to Florida.
JA: Okay then. You get to bring a guest, right? Who are you going to bring?
Boss: My lovely wife, Rachelle.
JA: Hmm. Do you need me to look on Amazon for some nice Bermuda shorts for you?
Boss: Yes please. Preferably in red.
JA: Speaking of shorts. I’ve always thought that the moment you get in a bathing suit in front of someone is the moment that the relationship goes to an entirely different place. Something about seeing someone’s belly button is quite frankly a really big deal to me. Do you think this is going to be awkward, you know, since a bunch of other people from corporate are going to be there?
Boss: Well, I’m going in February so it will probably be cool enough that everyone will keep their clothes on. But, I don’t know…it’s a good question and I hadn’t even though of it. Uh…
[Note: At this point Chad got super nervous and fumbling and I realized this guy has put absolutely no thought into the awkward situations that could arise. I decided to make it worse.]
JA: Chad, come on, it’s the beach. People are going to be in bathing suits and I’m pretty sure that means the owners of this whole company are going to see your belly button. Doesn’t that give you the willies?
Boss: Um, ah, well…I’m just focused on having a nice time and I’m not going to focus on things like that.
JA: Suit yourself. I’d be freaked out if I were you though. So, what’s the itinerary for the trip?
Boss: Well, Friday night we get a welcome reception at the pool. Saturday morning we have some meetings, and then we get free time all Saturday afternoon and I am going to go on a catamaran ride. Saturday night we get a beach dinner.
JA: Will Rachelle’s hair be especially large for the beach dinner?
Boss: I would expect no less. And then Sunday…um [papers shuffling] actually I haven’t paid that much attention to the itinerary. I’m not sure what we do Sunday.
[Note: I’d like to take this moment to point out to my readers and the owners of this company that if I ever get chosen for the Circle of Excellence I would memorize the itinerary and I would be the best guest ever at those Circle of Excellence dinners and catamaran rides. Just, you know, in case anyone is wondering.]
JA: So, if anyone gets wasted and makes a fool of themselves, you’re going to call me and tell me what’s going on so that I can let everyone know in real-time, right?
Boss: Absolutely! I don’t expect that to be the case though because everyone at Envoy Mortgage is so professional.
Just the Assistant: Finally Boss, I know James does a lot of behind the scenes stuff around here in order to make sure our branch is as successful as it is. Would you like to take this time to dedicate a song to him?
Boss: Actually I would…