They let me write whatever I want here provided I don’t land the Bosses in a lawsuit (which they’ve dodged plenty of times by censoring what I considered my funniest work).  However, this is the first time the Bosses have asked me to address a specific topic here.  It is a message for realtors, but even you non-realtors need to pay attention, because what if you end up working with a realtor that hasn’t read my message?    Ah HA!

The best part of the message?  It’s in list format!  Glamour Magazine puts everything into lists…12 things I deserve now, 300 outfits for spring, and 9 ideas to set things on fire in the bedroom.  There are also some lists to get great hair, but like I need those!

Without further ado, we present to you…

10 Wild Bedroom Ideas!  (I told you they censor me)

12 Bloopers to watch out for on Sales Contracts

1.  On page 8 there is a space for “executed date.”  Who in the world named that?  Anyway, date it.  Also, if there are any amendments on the contract, date them too.  If these dates are not there you will go straight to jail.

2.  Exclude all non-realty items from the sales-contract.  If the buyer wants the refrigerator, great.  Do NOT put it on the contract.

Why?  Non-realty items on the contract must be valued by the appraiser and the purchase price of the home must be reduced by that amount – and who wants to do that!?  Plus, appraisers know how to appraise homes, not dinette sets.  You can always write up a separate bill of sale if the buyer wants to buy the lawnmower or Labradoodle along with the house. 

3.  If a spouse isn’t going to be on the mortgage, don’t put his or her name on the contract.  My Bosses send their realtors the pre-approval letter with these details, so just check that.

4.  Look at page 9 – both listing and selling agents need to sign.  If not, one of you goes to jail.  We will decide which one.

5.  Is the contract blurry or reduced in size?  If so, kindly donate the scanner that came free with your computer to a needy family and buy yourself a high resolution scanner.

6.  Check the property address.  It needs to be complete with a zip code.  That means 123 Main Street, Houston, TX 77008.  Not”123 Main, Houston.”

Just the Assistant Tip:  Write the address exactly as they list it on this handy post office website:  http://zip4.usps.com/zip4/welcome.jsp

7.  Write the loan amount and down payment on the contract and addendums exactly as the borrower structures the mortgage.  All the numbers need to match up, folks.  I think you know what happens if they don’t.  You got it – straight to jail.  My Bosses can help you with this (the numbers, not jail).  Call them before you fill that part out and they’ll save you loads of time.

8.  Do NOT list repairs in the sales contract.  We just said that.  Oh yes we did.

Here’s the thing.  As soon as repairs are mentioned in contract, the underwriter will want to know what is being repaired and will want it repaired BEFORE closing.  And buyers and sellers must sign to acknowledge the repairs are complete, AND the appraiser will have to complete a final inspection.

So you can put repairs on the contract, but you’ve got to be willing to wait until they are completed to get a loan approval.

Now here’s a hot tip:  If seller contributions are negotiated in lieu of repairs DO NOT include the language “in lieu of repairs” unless you are prepared to specify the required repairs AND complete them prior to closing.  Just say “Seller Contributions.”  Period.

9.  Write the borrower’s name on the contract exactly as the proposed vesting on title and loan application.  Nicknames are cute; leave them at home, folks.  Again, just call James or Chad and they’ll let you know how it is written.

10.  If the seller is a company, we have to have the authorized signor list for the company.  If the signor signs their name like a chicken, slap them and make ‘em do it over.  We’ve got to be able to read it so we can confirm he or she is actually on the authorized signor list.  Otherwise we will send the signor to jail.  Have fun signing your illegible signature on the prison intake form!

11.  Vested seller should match what’s vested on title.  If the seller is a RELO company it probably won’t match, and in that case we’ll need the Power of Attorney from the seller to the RELO company and the authorized signor list for the RELO company to match the seller signature on the contract.  I have no idea what any of that means.  But it sounds like a case in which people should sign legibly.

12.  Finally, here is a super boring chart.  My Bosses gave it this really catchy name:

“Maximum Interested Party/Seller Contributions.”

Conventional Loans
Occupancy Type

   Down Payment

Maximum IPC
Primary Residence/2nd Home </= 10% 3%
>10% or <25% 6%
>/= 25% 9%
Investment Property All 2%
FHA Loans
Occupancy Type Down Payment Maximum IPC
Primary Residence ALL 6%
VA Loans
Occupancy Type Down Payment Maximum IPC
Primary Residence ALL 4%

Okay realtors, you might not exactly go to jail for all this, but why would you want to risk it?  You think they hand out Glamour Magazine in prison?!

If you have any questions, call my fab bosses, James Beaver 713.213.5205 or Chad Helmcamp 713.826.8136.  I suppose you could call them for bail money too, but just fill out the contract correctly so we don’t have to get to that point, okay?

Now, I’m off to deliver a file-laden pizza to the Harris County Jail for some realtors we love that didn’t heed our advice.