Dear Diary

Monday, April  18^th

10:32 AM

Executive Assistant position, here I come!  Probably, anyway.  Remember when I told you we’re hiring?  Lo and behold I think they hired some folks.  I do not know all the details for a plethora of reasons:

1.  Everyone more important than me on the team has been really busy lately.  Too busy to give me any scoop.  (And may I add too busy to reply to my wittily captioned pictures of my cat emails I’ve been sending?)
2. Remember my interview with my Boss in which he explained all the new regulatory changes that were to go into effect and he momentarily mistook me for his therapist?  Well, those changes did in fact go into effect and…well, I’m not sure.  But I know it’s a big deal.
3. Chatty assistants tend to get told things last.

But here’s the great part of my Bosses hiring more people.  I’m still just the assistant only to James Beaver and Chad Helmcamp.  And I figure there has got to be some magical number of people a Boss employs before his very own assistant becomes Executive Assistant.  I need to coach the Bosses at some point today on how to introduce me to the new folks because at our last team meeting James was mentioning something about me and blanked out and totally forgot what I do.  He was like, “And Christina, who uh, who does um…who…?

Tuesday, April 19th

11:48 PM

Tomorrow I meet the new loan officers.  Earlier today James sent me a horrible flowchart that sent me into what I’ve diagnosed as a pre-heart-attack.   This horrid flowchart was designed to map out our meeting tomorrow in which we welcome the new team members.  I’m not making this next part up.  It was so stressful to look at that I had to pause and go to the Purina All Stars website and watch some videos of puppies snuggling with pigs and stuff to calm me down.

But here’s the reason I’m awake now.  James told me I need to introduce myself at the meeting and tell the new folks who I am and what I do.  I have only myself to blame for this predicament because I was feeling snarky earlier and asked him, “So do we need to rehearse who I am?  Because you blanked out at the last meeting.”  And James said, “Okay then, you introduce yourself in the meeting.”  Yeck.

I started practicing my introduction as soon as we hung up.  “I’m Christina.  I’m here to…?”  I practiced it through dinner.  I practiced it while walking my dog, and I practiced as I poured myself a glass of wine after my walk.  I took the wine with me when I went to wash my face and smear goop on my face before bed.

But here’s the thing.  The more I drank, the better my practicing went.  I think I started sipping a bit quickly between all the different potions I apply to my face because after a few minutes my introduction was pretty elaborate and consisted of winks and smiles into the mirror.  I think I even added a flirty little hand shooting sign/clicking sound combo at the end.

These folks are gonna love me!

Wednesday, April 20

2:21 PM

I’m wearing two different deodorants today.  Men’s + women’s for added protection, but I kind of smell like a dude now.  I just finished my introduction.  I think I blew it.  When I was finished with my spiel James told me I could go shop online or do whatever I do.

Excuse me?

“Whatever I do?”  You wanna know what I do, buddy?  I stuff the envelopes, and don’t you forget it!

By the way, if any of you made the mistake of clicking on my pre-heart-attack link above and you actually did have a heart attack, my apoloiges.  I’m still calming down myself.

Back to shopping work.