Snake Oil

I wasn’t alive in the olden days, but I’ve seen Pete’s Dragon.  Therefore, I know that folks used to travel around in wagons peddling their wares.   How much do you think wagons are running on eBay these days?

Here’s the thing.  Now that I only write for the ole Bosses and no longer have to bother with pesky envelope stuffing, I have time to write for other people too.

I’m working on securing a costume of sorts because if I were going to hire a writer, I’d want them to be interesting, and nothing says interesting to me like a good costume.  I may just replicate the Pete’s Dragon get-up pictured above.  “Writing for SAAAALE!  Lookame in my stripey costuuuume…WRITING for saaaale!”

If you know of any people who hold boring information in their heads that they need to dump on the poor public, send them my way!  I won’t write their junk on this blog because I need to save room here for when the ole Bosses pull some of their crazy stunts (ahem, faux heart attacks, anyone?).  But I’ll so write it in a newsletter they email to unsuspecting persons…  “What’s this?  An email from my [insert your profession here:  banker, realtor, dentist, astronaut]?  An attachment that promises not to be boring?  What’s this?!  It’s…it’s…FUNNY!  And I now LOVE my [insert your profession here:  banker, realtor, dentist, astronaut] even though Just The Assistant did the writing!”

One half of my cart will highlight my no-nonsense side.  On this portion of my mullet themed wagon, a chart will showcase my professional writing abilities:

Profession What they want to say… How I’d say it for them…
Engineer I am genius.  Build something big and complicated.  So very smart am I.  Would you like to play World of Warcraft? So and so Company has completed design phase for petro-chemical storage unit located forty miles outside Oklahoma City.  Construction begins October 8, and So-and-so company will have four engineers on site to ensure safety requirements are met.  This project was a major win for So-and-So Company.  Successful completion of the assignment will likely lay groundwork for lasting relationship with Such-and-Such Company.

Party side:

Profession What they want to say… How I’d say it for them…
Realtor Please buy this dump I have listed. Check out this crack house for sale that could be: a) torn down – then you’d get to tell the Houston Chronicle that you are making changes in our community, and they’d probably give you some major award for the impact you’ve had on children’s futures.   b) remodeled into what you would call a former crack house (that kind of thing is ultra trendy right now).  And all your friends would envy you, especially your friends in the ‘burbs.  Priced to sell.
Insurance Person Please buy this life insurance Do you know what people are going to say about you at your funeral if you don’t have life insurance?  Nothing.  There won’t be a funeral because funerals cost money.  Plus, you think they’re going to start a Facebook memorial page for folks who don’t have life insurance?  Nope.  Facebook asks that question before they even let you create a memorial page.  Maybe not.  But they should.   Your friends will resort to creating a MySpace memorial, which nobody will read because really, who gets on MySpace anymore?  Good Prices on Life Insurance.  Call today.

For references, please email the Ole Bosses and ask them how delightful it has been to be made fun of written about by yours truly. (This would also be an opportune time to ask about a lovely home loan.)

Now, off to check on Glamour Magazine’s policies for camping in their parking lot in a horse-drawn buggy.