Chart Attack

I put my dress on inside out this morning and now I have deodorant stains on the outsides of my armpits.  I’m typing like a crocodile would so nobody will see my underarms.  And speaking of typing…I just noticed a Bud Light koozie sitting on the desk I’m occupying up here at the office.  It’s a kind of come and go desk in which a few different people use, so I’m not totally sure who the drunk is.  I’ll report back when I get to the bottom of that.  Don’t worry though; the ole Bosses have their own permanent desks that are typically liquor free (except for when the market tanks – see my chart 2008).

James and Chad know all about the market and interest rates because they have these scary looking charts on their computer screens with all sorts of lines and arrows.  Chad likes to peruse these charts on his own and interpret the findings appropriately.  Then he does what he needs to do with the information.  He advises borrowers if it’s a good time to lock or a good time to wait, and beyond that, sits tight on his knowledge.

James on the other hand…

It is James Beaver’s life goal to explain these horrid charts to anyone who will listen.  The other day we had to pull him away from the mailman.  The first time I saw these charts happened to be my first day on the job.  I showed up ready to pour coffee and make copies, and before James even showed me the code for the fax machine, he opened up that nasty market chart.  He started pointing to the assortment of lines and numbers, “explaining” what each line stood for.  The whole time I sat there thinking, “I know good and well he said he needed an assistant…hmm…”

Since that first day, James showed me the charts at least once a month while I worked for him.  Each time, he would explain all the lines again and what they say about the market and how that impacts interest rates.  I would nod when he asked, “You see what I’m saying?”  I did my serious face and studied the screen.  Sometimes I let out an impressed whistle, because that way whether he’s trying to show me that mortgage rates are through the roof and we’re all soon to be out of a job, or trying to show me that rates are low as anthills (like now), I knew the whistle could accommodate either.  It always worked, too.  He’d reply, “I know?  Can you believe this?”  That’s when I’d whistle again, and walk away slowly shaking my head.

But here’s the thing.  Since I’m no longer the assistant, James has had to find new prey in which to give his dissertations.  We hoped it wouldn’t come to this.  But last month, my own trusty assistant – the ole Boss Chad – sent me something very interesting.  Seems James sent a poor client one of the graphs, along with a seven page explanation email.  James tried to use the ole, “But the client was asking about it!?”  And we said,  “Sure James, just like the mailman was asking about it?  Hmm?”

In order to save any future clients from having to endure these emails, I’ve decided to post one of the ole charts so that  –

Wait!  ALERT!  Breaking News!  I’m not even kidding…as I was typing this I overheard James on the phone with a client explaining the chart, the market, whatever it is.  Okay, maybe there are actually some people out there who care about this stuff, and we can only hope James knows the difference between those clients and clients like me, who just want a nice loan without all the jabber.

For your viewing pleasure…[Insert Psycho music, shower scene]:

I wish James could see that it’s kind of a good thing he and Chad are the only ones who understand these charts.  Otherwise, anybody could be a mortgage banker.  Even I could be a mortgage banker!  [Insert Psycho music again, shower scene]

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