News (Letter) Flash
I made it into my neighborhood newsletter!
“Break-in – Nothing Taken – 1 incident.”
I read it and said, “Hey, that’s me! And my burglar! We’re famous!” I still haven’t found out who the burglar was, but I plan to catch him soon. I know he got a good look at the ole Bosses’ business cards, and unless my burglar lives underground and talks to worms, he knows how low interest rates are and will probably be trying to buy his first house soon so he can stop pilfering through mine. I’ve told James and Chad to be on the look-out. Here’s how I’m pretty sure it’s going to go down…
Catching the Burglar
Chad (answering phone): Envoy Mortgage, this is Chad.
Burglar: Hello, Chad. I would like to talk to you about a home loan, please.
Chad: Sure! Let me get a little information from you…blah blah blah… And, may I ask how you heard about me?
Burglar: Um, I saw your business card.
Chad: Okay. Uh, so I’m so glad you called, but where’d you see the card? Just curious, because I always like to thank people who refer me.
Burglar: Ah, er, the person residing at [insert Just the Assistant’s address here] showed me your business card.
At this point, Chad points to me and I give the thumbs up sign indicating that I’m on it. I mouth out “Keep him on the line,” because on tv they always have to keep the crook on the line in order to record the call. I mouth, “Stall! Him!”and begin pushing buttons on a large contraption. I am wearing headphones, and a really cute dress from Anthropologie.
Chad: Hey, Mr. Bur- I mean, ole pal? I’m kind of known around here as the idea guy. Would you like to hear some of my ideas?
That’s when I’ll give two thumbs up because I know Chad’s got enough ideas to keep someone occupied listening for days. Back to Chad…
Chad: So, my first idea is to win contests. And then my next idea is to come up with a million dollar idea. And then –
Burglar: So yeah, that’s great and all, Chad. But could we schedule my time to come in a chat about that loan?
At this point everyone in the office stares at one another in fear (because by now we have the burglar on speaker phone so everyone can hear and we’ll get a better quality recording to give the cops. Scratch that. Cops are there with us. Cops are doing the recording and they’ve taken up the whole back office with their cop stuff).
Chad (looking to co-workers and cops for help, unsure about letting a real live burglar come into our nice bungalow office): Ah, er, let me check my calendar. Oh my. It looks like my week is full of Just the Assistant’s sweet blog readers coming into chat with me about home loans –
Cops (interrupting call): We got em’! We know where he’s located!
Chad hangs up as if the phone were a snake. Just the Assistant jumps in the cop car with the cops to help finish the case. Perfect timing, because a lovely blog reader is just walking up the porch steps to meet with the ole Bosses.
Cop saxophone music plays in background.