Why Your Dad Might Start Reading this Blog

I realize the anticipation has been building stealthily for two days. Will I still get to read about mortgages and Glamour Magazine and Men’s Health*? Or will I have to start actually reading my sister’s blog about homemade curtains? Fear not! Just the Assistant has not been taken down!

My meeting yesterday with the ole Bosses proved to be the most productive meeting we three have ever had in the history of working together. Now, the ole Boss James and I have had plenty of productive meetings, but you throw Chad Helmcamp into the mix, and there is no telling where his ideas will take you. At one point in my assistant career, they used to pay me hourly. Man, I loved his ramblings then. I could just casually ask him about any random office-conundrum we currently faced and he’d go on for a good forty minutes on all the thoughts he’d had. Then he’d trail into “And this all comes back to our decision we need to make on the shortcut keys we use in task assignments . . .” I probably owe the ole Bosses a good three hundred dollars for all the times I asked Chad, “So, you going to use your Outlook calendar to track meetings, or this new software?”  

Chad did very well yesterday. Of course he meandered, but unlike other meetings, he returned.

In our one hour meeting, Chad only got off topic three times. You have no idea how proud we are. Below, Chad’s off-topics:

• Recounting a childhood memory in which his sister decided they would build a helicopter from scratch, using wood. (He wanted me to make this a blog post. I know I get off topic here quite a bit, but, really?)
• Brainstorming about strategies he and James should employ when negotiating details with their next new-hire.
• Pondering where my camera charger could be and discussing his vexation that we can’t find it. (I left it at the office and it has vanished.)

You may be wondering what we actually did discuss at the meeting. Okay, I realize that you in fact have not wondered even once about what we discussed, but saying stuff like that makes me feel like millions of people read this and they all wonder about me when I’m not writing.

Topic One: Contests!  They’re going to let me do contests and give stuff away! Some dour people who hate puppies will think, “That’s bribery.” Well, I could get loads of readers if I started writing about movie stars and homemade naughty videos, but for a mortgage blog, you need contests.  

*Topic Two: Target a wider audience other than people exactly like me. It’s time to start catering to the men of this world as well.

Fine, here: Beer. Chest hair. Back hair. Pork. Football. Beef. Fear of double chins.

And here is my combo sentence that speaks to men and women: “I love Anthropologie’s towel sets so much I could burp!”

Okay, so I’m not starting today, but in the 2012 I’ll write all sorts of witty stuff that appeals to you and your brother-in-law. Send him the link, and tell him subscribing to this mortgage blog will make him stronger and more mysterious.

Topic Three: At this point, James and I just spent some time congratulating Chad on how good he did staying on topic.

The ole Bosses and me at our Christmas party last night. The reason I resemble a mal-nourished child wearing make-up and an adult-sized large wig is due to the fact that I’m six-weeks into becoming a vegan and still working out some nutritional kinks. And no, it wasn’t an ugly sweater party. James just wore that.

Finally, please subscribe to my blog so that I can buy some organic quinoa and fatten up a bit.