A Twist on Staging That House

This morning a tree-trimmer salesman knocked on my door. I stepped outside to chat with him, but only because I’d been working in front of the window, so he knew I was home and I couldn’t employ my usual technique of hiding behind the kitchen counter. Turns out, he had tattoos on his face. Hence, I was super cheerful to him and told him I would totally keep his card in case I thought of a tree that needed some work. But after he left, I Googled one of his tats, and found out it symbolizes that he murdered someone.  I know, I know, I’m judging a book by its cover. But am I the only one that thinks door-to-door sales may not be the best option for countenance-inked young men? Alas, the judging stops here. My great mortgage banker ole Bosses will provide home loans to anyone, even murderers.

Speaking of mortgages. . .

While house hunting last week, I entered one home that I had already fallen in love with online. The online pictures showed a curving staircase, arched doorways, and a backyard in an area of town where backyards are hard to come by. I even made my mortgage banker ole Boss James look at it online with me, telling him, “This, James, is the house of a real lady.”

I was partially right. Upon visiting the house, I learned a bit more. First of all, and I’ve just got to put this out there, the people who lived there had framed naked pictures of themselves on the walls and dressers.

Not. Even. Kidding.

There was even a fancy shot that showed one version of a naked person when you stood the right, and another version when you stood to the left. Like those Lord of the Rings trading cards that’ll show Golem holding the precious in one shot, but by tilting the card just so, you can see Golem handing the ring over to Frodo. I kept swaying from one foot to the other in front of it, hissing “Did you guys SEE this!?”

I don’t know. Even if the house would’ve been perfect, I have a feeling whenever I would walk by that one spot in the hallway, I’d get the shivers thinking about the shenanigans that took place before me.

This is not something I will have to bother myself with though, as the photos of the house online proved a bit deceiving. Turns out, that curving staircase was hugged by a banister that was one knock away from falling over. Our realtor gave it a slight shake and we all clung to the wall, fearful of falling down the stairs.

And that great backyard? It backed up to a Fiesta parking lot. Across the street from the online dream home was another matter. It was a lumber yard. Do you know what they do with lumber? They saw it. Then you know what they do? They get rid of all the sawdust using industrial sized blowers.

All this to say, please learn from my mistake. If you are house hunting and come across what looks like the deal of a lifetime, do not send the pictures to everyone you know with the subject line, “Found our New House! Bout to put an offer!” First of all, get pre-qualified for a home loan (super-easy, just e-mail James or Chad), call up a great realtor, and go see the home in person. Do not fall in love before any of this happens. I’m tellin’ you. It’ll only lead to heartbreak.

Now, subscribe to my blog or I’ll send that tree-trimmer after you!