Does this mortgage make me look fat?

Sometimes I like to throw hundred dollar bills into a paper shredder just for the thrill of it. Okay, I don’t do that, but I do have a habit that is equally as frivolous. It begins on Anthropologie’s website when I find a pair of pants that fancy me. I open the picture in a larger window, click to view all angles, spend an especially long time studying the model wearing the pants and how tall and thin she is, and then I simply plop an image of my face from my imagination onto the computer screen image of the model’s face. Instantly I am a taller version of myself with hair that is not frizzy, wearing these pants that will change my life.

After I have spent forty minutes of my life gaping over the pants online, I drive to Anthropologie and frantically search the store for the new object of my obsession. Once in the dressing room one of two things happens: a) I love how they look on me, spend seven minutes striking various poses and whimsically confident facial expressions in the mirror until the saleslady asks how I’m doing. I call back that “I’m great!” before hastily buying the pants.

b) They look awful on me. I spend eleven minutes striking various poses and tugging at the material to manipulate it into looking how I think it could look in theory if I were taller. I give myself scared smiles in the mirror and finally walk out of the private dressing room into the main dressing area so that the saleslady will complement me on how great I look in the ill-fitting outfit. Then I hastily buy the pants.

See, I’ve already invested so much time and love into this new ensemble that I disregard details like the pants crawl up in the back, the sweater makes me look pregnant, or the dress sleeves cut off the circulation in my shoulders. I’m in love with this piece and I’ll have it! Then I curse the frock every time I see it hanging there in my closet mocking me. About once a month for the first year, I’ll try it on again in my bedroom thinking, I was probably just imagining that these pants don’t fit . . . I’ll bet they really fit. They don’t fit.

I swear I’m talking about mortgages today. Give me a second to collect my thoughts…

Got it! If you are searching different loan programs online, chances are you will find one that seems perfect. I can get a rate of negative 13%? The bank will pay me to get the mortgage? I only have to put down seven dollars on the townhouse I’m thinking of buying? I’m in LOVE!

And just like me, you could get suckered into a product that is not a fit for you. First of all, the loan program you find online very well may be like the pants clad models I gawk over on clothing websites: airbrushed, staged, and not real.

It costs absolutely nothing to set up a meeting with James Beaver or Chad Helmcamp to learn about different loan programs available to you. Real loan programs that match your exact situation. And the best part is, these guys have been doing this every day for years. It’s their job to know about all the different programs available and the pros and cons of each.

So if you want to avoid my folly of falling in love with something before trying it on, e-mail James or Chad, tell them how much you love me, and ask to stop by our charming bungalow office in the Heights and learn more about the right loan for your situation.

Now, I’m off to make a hefty donation to Goodwill.

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