Do You Want my Old Job?

The ole Bosses are in a conundrum. They need to hire someone, but now that I’m a famous writer that refuses to do anything useful around the office, they can’t hire me back.

This is where you might come in. Do you want my old job? Rather, do you want a grown-up version of my old job? Don’t worry, they won’t call you just the assistant since you’ll be doing more important things than I used to. The new title is Mortgage Loan Coordinator, and you’ll get your own desk and not the granny table I used to work at. You will NOT, however, be allowed to write a blog about your work. If you do that you will be fired and shot.

Okay, here’s a list of some of the basic responsibilities:

• Talking on the phone: You will have to be able to talk on the phone and not have a nervous break-down. Most people you talk to will be nice and helpful. Every once in a while you will talk to someone who’s buying a house because his wife kicked him out of his current house because she’s sleeping with his brother. This person will not be so nice. You will have to talk to this person without breaking down crying. Unless you are commiserating with him, and in that case it might be good for client relationship building, so go ahead.
• Working in this software called ACT! that you better thank your lucky stars I set up for you: You will have to do some work in this software called ACT! that helps the ole Bosses keep accurate records and makes everyone’s life easier when the ole Bosses have repeat clients (which is like all the time because everyone loves them). I have spent approximately seven thousand hours of my life getting that software set up for you. All of the records in ACT! as of June 30^th, 2011, (my last day as Just the Assistant) are completely accurate. Every single time you open ACT! you will need to shoot me an e-mail that says, “Just working in ACT! – Again, thank you SO much for all the work you did here!” Then you will need to voice aloud your gratitude toward the seven thousand hours of my life that I sacrificed for the ole Bosses in that software.
• E-mailing people: You will have to e-mail a lot of people. This shouldn’t be too bad.
• Ordering Food for Open Houses: Sometimes, because the ole Bosses have great relationships with realtors, the ole Bosses will provide the food for a realtor’s open house. You will be the one to order the food.
• DO NOT FORGET TO ORDER THE FOOD.

Just trust me on this.

• Learning what different loan documents are and knowing how to explain them: There are a lot of documents associated with a loan. The ole Bosses will teach you what they are, and you will need to understand them. I never understood them. You should do fine.

If you are interested in working for the best ole Bosses in the state of Texas, e-mail me and I will put in a good word for you and act like we’ve known each other for twenty years and stuff. It really is a great place to work. I don’t even work there anymore and I still hang out at the office.

Lastly, I prefer that the ole Bosses think of me as “the one that got away”. If you get the job, I will provide cue cards.