Beggars

Honey, I’m hoooome! After three weeks away from the office, I’m back in Houston. Please contain your jealousy of the fact that I’ve been living in an efficiency apartment in Oklahoma City for the past few weeks (being married to a dashing oil and gas engineer has its perks, I tell you).

While I was away, the entire world took out a mortgage with my ole Bosses, so when I returned this week my ole Boss Chad gave me strict orders to keep quiet and not distract everyone. Someone needs to give him a Xanax. Doesn’t he know my office ramblings boost employee morale?

While breaking these orders and chatting with Hayley, I learned that a lady in our building has been having lengthy phone conversations from the handicap stall in the restroom, and last week when Hayley flushed the toilet in the next stall the lady went, “Ugh! Hold on,” into the phone. Hayley has simply got to learn some manners. Hold your flush until all ladies restroom conference calls are complete, honey.

Another thing happened while I was away; James lost his mind. Poor guy. In the midst of working on loans for the whole world and their brother, he forgot how lousy of an assistant I am. Four minutes after I walked in the door, James started buttering me up, saying how great it was that I’m back and all. I knew he was up to something as I warily replied, “Thanks. It’s good to be back.”

Then he tried to sucker me into doing some extra work for him around the office. “Special projects and help on loans. . .” he said. Hmph. Allow me to list for you some facts about Just the Assistant that seemed to have lapsed James’ mind:

• I’m quite lazy and absolutely refuse to work past 4:00.
• I would rather gather dog poo from my backyard than talk on the phone to a client.
• I never learned how to fill out a good faith estimate in Envoy’s computer system. (Did I mention every single loan in the world needs a good faith estimate?)
• On two different occasions I forgot to include some important form in a loan package and James ended up having to dole out a boatload of money to fix the problem at closing.
• Then there was that time I “forgot” to order lunch that day. That didn’t go over so well now did it?

I chose to remain silent on his foggy memory and tried to let him down easy. “Ah, uh, I don’t think so, Boss.”  He then tried a different angle. Instead of asking me for help, he pawed through his bag of tricks and came up with the sympathy card.

It started with groaning. “Ugh, errrrr, whooo.”

I ignored it for the first few minutes and resumed scanning gossip blogs about Tom and Katie’s recent debacle. He continued. “Sheesh! Whooo!”

That did it. “What!? What are you working on that you obviously need help with?” I snapped. It totally reminded me of when I used to work for James and Chad and I would make exasperated sounds at my laptop just so that Chad would ask me what was wrong and solve the problem for me.

James pitifully turned his monitor toward my side of the office in efforts to suck me into whatever problem he labored upon.

I just shook my head and said, “Mmm hmm, that’s tough.”

Then I asked James if he wanted me to downplay how great they are on the blog so that I wouldn’t accidentally send more business their way. “Heck no!” he replied. They are so thankful for all the work, and hope it keeps on coming. And anyway, I’ve only sent them three loans in my whole life, so I think they’re safe from any work overloads coming from this assistant.

If you would like a home loan from James and Chad, I can happily set up a time for you to come in and chat with them. However, please use the restroom at home before you come as to not disturb the lady who currently offices there.