Can. . .

Openers:

The guy who does my yard work got shot in the stomach a while back. He actually had his daughter call me from the hospital to tell me he couldn’t come cut my grass the next day. She was really apologetic about her dad not being able to come since he was in intensive care and offered up her uncle instead. Speaking of helping family members out in a pinch, let’s delve into gift funds as down payments…

Yahoo has been reading my blog. They quoted their own financial “experts” but even I know how to make up names and titles, so I hope they don’t think they’re tricking anybody. While we’re talking about plagiarism, shall we discuss mortgage fraud?

Last night my husband commented on how thankful he is for all the rain. We were brushing our teeth and talking in the mirror. I said I was mostly thankful, except for one thing. Both sets of our eyes went toward the mound of unruly frizz growing out of my head. He just nodded. He understood. Speaking of rain, let’s talk flood insurance…

Several of you have been asking how you can support me financially. I’m just kidding. But wouldn’t it be funny if I said that and then told you of a donations page I’ve set up? Speaking of making the most of your investments…

Both of my cats have been caught out in the storms this week, stuck under a porch or bush. Each finally made a run for it in the downpour and busted through the cat door soaked and upset. Which brings us to the installation of cat doors in your new house…

I used to live in an apartment that had its own peeping tom. He snuck up on a neighbor of ours while she was working out in the apartment gym and she ended up chasing him out with a weight lifting bar before calling the police. Which reminds me, we should really discuss the lack of safety in apartment complexes these days…

I used to live in an apartment. I had a neighbor named Chap who got involved in a kooky pyramid scheme. He asked me to listen to a tape of his, and thinking it’d be a new cool band, I listened to it one night. But from the tape player came the voice of the pyramid leader telling me how I could make as much money as I wanted, depending on how much I wanted to put into the pyramid. Chap came back a few days later in business clothes, asking if I’d thought about the tape. Which reminds me, we should really discuss the privacy a home of your own affords you…

I’m headed to the beach next week, so unless you’d like to read a lame blog about me taking moonlit walks in the sand with my lover, you can spend your time filling out that handy loan application on the right. While we’re on the subject of filling out the loan application…