What’s Happenings

There’s so much office scoop to dish this week that you know what we need? We need a Glamour Magazine style list.

10 Foods to Incorporate in the Bedroom 10 New Things Happening at Envoy Mortgage

1. Our corporate office is under construction. No doubt someone heard how awkward I felt upon visiting and seeing that the owners conduct meetings in a glass room connected to the waiting area. Here, very important men give us the details. I’ve disguised their identities as not to deal with any pesky law suits they may choose to bring about after reading this.

“We heard you, Just the Assistant, and we’re reconstructing the whole corporate office!”

2. We completed the Boss Chad Helmcamp’s birthday celebration with the presentation of a Justin Bieber fan club packet, complete with fan letter template and attire:

Chad will also use these glasses to make up with James Beaver should they get in a fight.

3. We calculated how much Chad’s birthday dancing gorilla earns (roughly $900 per hour) based on how much it cost and how long he/she danced for Chad and most of the office has decided to leave the mortgage industry and pursue careers as dancing gorillas.

“In the time it takes for you to snap that picture I make seventeen dollars.”

4. When Hayley first had the idea to hire the gorilla, she innocently Googled “singing telegram” and called the first place that popped up. She heard dogs barking in the background as a smoky-voiced man told her that he had a Marilyn Monroe available. He then asked, “Do you have a private room for the “extras?” “Extras?” Hayley asked. That’s when Hayley put two and two together and hurriedly shrieked “I’mnotinterestedthankyou!” before hanging up. Turns out the poor girl had called a prostitution ring, and we’ll certainly know better next time.

5. We hired a new processor a few weeks ago and she’s amazing. Her name is Nikki, and as soon as the entire state of Texas stops buying houses (which will hopefully be about fifty years from now) and she has a moment to breathe, I’ll post an interview to let you all know how awesome she is.

6. Our branch landed on Envoy Mortgage’s Top Ten list this month for closing a ton of loans. That means that not only do you fine Americans love Envoy Mortgage, but most of you are securing your home loans through this branch! Keep ‘em coming!

7. I sat in on a training session with the branch last week. I, for one, found the following slide quite insulting:

Don’t think I don’t notice these not-so-subtle hints, Envoy Mortgage.

8. Turns out there’s a modeling studio in our building. What! I had always noticed very, ahem, daringly attired ladies riding the elevator alongside me and my laptop backpack and flats, and this week our new loan officer Jason solved the mystery for me.

9. I hung some new curtains in my bedroom. Okay, not office news, but my neighbor owns a commercial sized streetlight that hangs in such a position as to shine directly onto my bed, so the curtains are kind of a big deal in my life.

10. My stint working for James lasted, no exaggeration, four hours. We both agreed that if I racked up so much writing work that I couldn’t squeeze in ten hours a week for him, that I’d have to end it. The day after I started pouring his coffee, two different companies hired me for some pretty consistent writing work that leaves me no extra time for James. It was a really fun four hours while it lasted, and James and I will always cherish the time we had together. Especially the memory of him forgetting how much he used to pay me and awkwardly throwing out a number to see if I’d accept.

Happy Friday, readers. Contact us with any mortgage questions you may have, concerns over the gorilla mix-up, or advice on how to hang curtains in your soon-to-be new house, courtesy of an awesome mortgage from my favorite mortgage banking Bosses.

2 thoughts on “What’s Happenings

  1. And here I’ve been looking for a career change, but not sure what I want to do! Thanks for solving the mystery – the switch from attorney to dancing gorilla should not be too hard. Great read!!

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