The Home Shopping Network

Back when I was busy pouring coffee and breaking the copy machine, one of my jobs was to buy pencil cups. See, we’ve always had this link on our intranet (that I don’t have access to anymore since my only job is to make fun of everybody and they took away my passwords) that shows all these little gifts we can buy new-hires or clients or referral partners. A way of saying, “We’d like to buy your business.” “Thanks.” Oh kidding. Even if we’d wanted to buy someone’s business we couldn’t have because the best thing on there was the pencil cup. Did I mention Envoy is a paperless company?

Anyway, because I no longer have access to the employee marketing site (they’re so touchy, I swear), I didn’t know we’d teamed up with a new marketing group. Thankfully, our new front desk receptionist, Christi, has a wicked lovely sense of humor and forwarded me her link to the new Envoy store. Thought you’d kept me away, didn’t you? Woo ha ha ha!

This is what I’m talking about! Who the heck are these people? And did Mr. Envoy forget to tell them we’re a mortgage bank?

I present to you my favorites:

The Envoy Mortgage Orange Safety Cone, because you might need to stop traffic in order for your kids to play in the street at leisure without those pesky Houston SUVs getting in the way.

Where’s my scanner? Can I register at this store like I did before I got married? Below, the Envoy Mortgage mini-bar. And see that red thing on top? That’s the pencil cup I used to buy folks!

Nothing sends a home closing to a screeching halt faster than a woman with a hangnail (or unruly eyebrows). Check yourself, ladies.

Lots of couples like to start a family once they move into their new home. Why wait nine months for little Junior to arrive? We’ve got Envoy babies!

Lastly, buying a home can be stressful (not with us, but with other lenders). In the event that you’ve had a poor experience with another lender prior to crawling back to us like you should have done in the first place, we have squishy prostates for you to squeeze while you curse the Big Box Bank that ruined your life.

If you would like your very own Envoy Mortgage offspring, orange safety cone, or squeezy colon, contact me today. If you’d like a lame pencil cup, call some other mortgage company.