Why this Office is About to Brawl

‘Tis a double feature, dear readers…

Radio Star

Okay y’all, big news. While the rest of you will be spending your Friday evening sipping martinis at cool bars or watching movies on the sofa with popcorn in your laps or wandering around Ikea, you know where I’ll be? I’ll be on the radio.

Sort of.

Here’s the thing. One of the founders of our company, David Zugheri, apparently does this radio show on Friday evenings where he talks about money. I think people call in. I really don’t know because I haven’t gotten to a point in my life where I listen to AM radio on Friday nights. Well, guess who he invited to sit in on the radio show this Friday? Guess! Come on!

Me. ME!

Now, he hasn’t told me that I’ll get to say anything. I think he literally invited me to sit in a chair and listen to him give money advice on a Friday night on AM radio (which is kind of weird), but I’m just thinking maybe, maybe he’ll mention to the listeners that I’m there. And I’ll be like, “Hey listener(s)!” I’m not sure that there is over one listener. I’ll ask beforehand to ensure my greeting is accurate.

I’m fairly certain this means that after Friday, everything changes. Paparazzi knocking on my door, galas to attend, the whole deal.

Or it may just mean that I’ll be sitting in on an AM radio show on a Friday night. Either way, y’all should listen to see if I get/give a shout out! I mean, unless you’ve got other plans, which I hope you do because if I find out one of you sits around listening to this show Friday evening, I’m going to get totally depressed.

The scoop: This Friday, 6pm-8pm, radio station 700AM

Kitchen Slop

There is a stink going on in our office now about keeping the kitchen clean. About a month ago, the Bosses started keeping the fridge stocked with lunch foods so that we could all make turkey sandwiches throughout the day and laugh and have a grand old time. Since then, I’ve received roughly forty-two emails from various team members telling all the other team members that if they don’t start keeping the kitchen clean, there’s going to be a fight.

Here’s the first email. So it’s like this person is going ahead and saying upfront, “Hey – it ain’t me slopping up the kitchen.”

“Also, moving forward…any glass, mug, utensil, etc. that you personally use, please make sure to rinse off & put in the dish washer immediately after use.  No items should be left in the sink or utensils left in any jars in water in the sink.  They tend to sit in the sink & then have a very non pleasant smell the next day or over the weekend.  It is not fun for anyone to clean up…YUCK!”

Then came this email a week later. This dude’s like, “I’m not the slob either and I’m about to lose it!”

“The kitchen is becoming a source of real irritation for ME.  On a daily basis I hear from someone in the office about how gross it is because no one seems to know how to pick up after themselves.

I am counting on everyone in this office to do their part and pick up after themselves.  When someone recognizes the dishwasher is full of clean dishes then please empty it so we can then fill it with dirty dishes.”

Then I did some sleuthing. I asked everyone, “Who makes the messes?” In hushed tones they told me; it’s the ole Boss James. I confronted him via email. Here is his response:

“I am definitely not the mess maker.  First, I recycle my coffee cup and use the same one for most of the week [Just the Assistant note: Gross].  Second, I had lunch outside the office yesterday [Just the Assistant note: I didn’t say that all the messes happened yesterday, now did I?].  Third, do you have any idea how many dishes I clean outside of this place???!!!!  I could do the tiny quantity of dishes this place generates while I’m in my sleep [Just the Assistant note: Seems like a good reason not to want to do them at work.].”

Then I wrote back and was all, “They all say it’s you.”

And he got all crazy defensive and was like,

“LIES!  The most I do is dirty a knife and occasionally put a glass in the sink.”

Hmm. Did y’all know I read sociology-type books all the time? And did you know I recently read one about criminals and they said criminals will eventually admit to “some” guilt but not the whole “I’m the murderer” guilt? But if they admit to some guilt, they’re probably the murderer. Bam. James is the mess maker.

Alright folks, you go ahead and set your radios (do people have radios anymore?) to 700AM in preparation for Friday night, and I’m off to make a sandwich and blame the mess on James.