My New Pal Sandra and the Unfortunate Incident with a Man’s Nipple

July 12, 2013

I stopped at Kroger yesterday on my way home from work. As I walked towards the store through the parking lot, I noticed a tall man, probably in his thirties, prancing out of the store wearing long shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. We caught eyes, and while I immediately looked away (one man woman, I am), he continued the stare. “HEY! I like your necklace!” he shouted. We were still a good thirty? forty? feet away from each other. Forgive me; I cannot guess distances beyond 18 inches. However far it was though, I knew good and well this dude couldn’t make out anything about my necklace.

“Thanks!” I chirped, planning to skip right past him.

By this point he’d walked up to me. “I got this one a while back,” he said, standing over me and holding out a large carving of an eagle dangling from a black leather strap tied around his neck.

“I like your necklace, too!” I smiled, and began to walk away. “Have a good day!”

“Okay you too! AND I LIKE YOUR EARRINGS!” he shouted to my back.

“Uh huh! Thanks!”

You want to know what the funny part was? Besides the eagle, I mean. My earrings were new and afterward  I thought, “I knew these earrings were super chic!” as I stuffed my organic kale into a sack.

Speaking of chic, I’ve got some scoop for you.

Are you ready?

Here it goes:

My co-worker Sandra performed surgery on a man’s nipple.

It was her brother-in-law’s nipple. What the what!? Oh yes she did! Oh, and the chic part comes into play because in addition to being quite skilled when it comes to impromptu surgeries, Sandra always dresses really nice, like she’s about to go on television. I don’t think that’s why the Bosses hired her but it’s for sure why I would have hired her.

See? Ain’t she a beaut?!

Sandra is a loan partner with V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will and Hollywood Insider Gobe. This entails very important, super secret powers that I do not understand, but I’ve heard Sandra is fabulous at what she does so let’s just leave it at that. I’ve also heard her on the phone and she’s so nice it kind of makes me want to get another mortgage, just so I can talk to her.

On one of her first days here I started badgering her about any funny stories she had up her sleeve. I had been thinking, like, mortgage stories (snore), but that Sandra is quick on her feet and did me one better.

Let’s pick up right after Sandra broke the news to me…

What the Heck did You Just Say?

An interview with Loan Partner, Sandra Grein

Just the Assistant: Sandra, what in the world are you talking about? Oh my gosh.

Sandra: He had a nipple ring, and he was trying to squeeze past a truck. So he was shimmying between the garage wall and the truck, and the nipple ring got caught on the brush guard and ripped off, taking the nipple with it.

JTA (gagging and covering face): Caaaglaaableh! Oh my gosh! Then what happened?

Sandra: But it was still attached. Just dangling by a little piece of skin, like a flap.

JTA: I can’t handle this. Oh my gosh I’m so glad they hired you.

Sandra: He wouldn’t go to a doctor, and I had some numbing cream, so we numbed it, and I clipped off the dangling part with fingernail snips.

JTA (peeking through fingers): Oh. My….Fingernail clippers?! Does he have a scar? Does he still even have a nipple?

Sandra: It’s great! The scar is gone and it looks really good now!

JTA: You’re amazing! Now we know who to turn to if we have any “incidents” here in the office. I honestly don’t know whether to throw up or hug you. That’s the best story I’ve ever heard.

Y’all, this lady is awesome. If you’d like to get in touch with her, let me know and I can give you the hookup. Until then, you all have a smashing weekend and I’m off to buy more earrings.