Things that have Gone Viral Before Me that Aren’t Even Porn

I have compiled a list of non-porn blogs and videos that have managed to go viral while I have not managed to go viral:

• A 30-second video of a boat turning. Turning over? you ask? No, dear readers. Turning. If you must, you can watch it here. I have never successfully finished the video, growing so incredibly bored by second 15 that I have to close it. So to be fair, maybe it has gone viral because at the end there really is porn, but I doubt it. (But if that is the case and I’ve just accidentally posted porn to this blog, it’s been nice knowing you all.)
• Videos of people role-playing with soft voices and pretending to be makeup artists doing your makeup in order to relax you. You can search for these videos on YouTube by typing in “soft spoken relaxation.” I’m not even going to put the link here in efforts to discourage them from going viraler, but it’s just these girls looking into the camera and whispering that “your skin is so moisturized,” and then they search their makeup bags and pull out a brush and start brushing the camera like it’s your face. I thought it was really creepy until I fell asleep while making fun of it to my husband. He was getting ready for bed and I was all, “Oh my gosh look at this video. This girl is all – zzzzzz…”
• Pictures of two famous people wearing the same dress on different nights to different events, probably in different cities. I’m not even going to say anything about this. It’s ridiculous. I’ve changed my mind; I am going to say something about this. What the poop? And sometimes the famous people aren’t even that famous. It’ll be like, this lady who’s an extra on “The Walking Dead” and the other lady is the co-author of a vegan diet cookbook. Oh, but let’s put it on the front page of Yahoo! News why don’t we?

I’ve got it. Hey Internet, look at this. My cousin and I wore the same shirt. She’s in Georgia and I’m in Texas. Now make me viral.

• Stories about waitresses who pay for patrons’ dinners. Like this one. Okay, yes, it’s kind. Oh my gosh it’s not front-page newsworthy though. Hey Internet, I just gave my cleaning lady some throw pillows we didn’t want any more – want to make me viral?
• Articles telling people to refinance or buy houses. Oh no they didn’t. I will slap their face. I’ve been saying this crap for three years and I even add funny pictures! Oh, but their articles get splashed right alongside the stupid “Stars Wear Same Dress” pictures and next thing you know, viral. I swear I’m going to backhand somebody in the mouth.
• Another mortgage blog that my Bosses read. It’s these two nerds out of California and they make videos that are never as good as my videos but for some reason my Bosses like it better.
• Like thirteen thousand blogs about changing diapers and going on play dates.

If you would like for me to go viral like the fine folks above, please send my blog to thirteen million of your closest friends. While you do that, I’m off to see if I can round up any small boys who play the ukulele, that dog who dances to Grease, or Jennifer Aniston.