I Got into the Holiday Party
I got in, y’all. I got in to the Envoy Mortgage Big Branch Fancy Holiday Party…and it was, was…
(Face disguised to protect Sexy Santa Lady’s identity. What if her mom reads my blog? Oh, and it’s supposed to look like she’s winking, not dead.)
I bumped into the scantily clad Santa on my way out. I left pretty early because I’m lame, but this chick was just arriving…
Me: Oh, um, oh my gosh, hi.
Sexy Santa Lady: Hi.
Me: So, wow. Okay, well it was great meeting you!
Sexy Santa Lady: Bye.
I just can’t concentrate with boobs in my face. I’m like, Lady, you don’t have many clothes on. I don’t know what else there is to talk about. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t work for Envoy, as all the other Envoy employees I saw wore, you know, pants.
Let’s start from the beginning though. First of all, I came to the party solo. My man is out of town, so while I waited in line to enter (seriously, a line – just like parties in LA!), I noticed a girl in front of me wearing a Santa Clause hat (not to be confused with the sexy Santa non-clothed look seen above) and thought to myself, if anybody is going to be friendly to me, it’ll be a lady in a Santa hat.
“Hi!” I said. “I’m Christina!”
“Hi! My name’s Flora! You’re so pretty!” she answered.
And THAT, my friends, is how you convince me to love you immediately.
“Oh my gosh! We should go to more parties together!” I exclaimed.
Here’s Flora in her first few minutes of being my new best friend:
After getting to know Flora a bit, I stood around awkwardly for a while until I spotted Hippie Shaun. And get this – his wife is a hippie too! She and I chatted about the medicinal herb industry for a bit, and then she told me that she really likes the blog. At that moment I saw Ty, my mafia boss, behind her, and being quick on my feet, kind of shoved her into him and said, “Oh sorry! Hi Ty! Now what were you saying, Sarah?!” so that she’d have to repeat herself in front of him.
Most of the rest of the party consisted of people standing around and talking and then other people dancing/making out on the dance floor while the talking group stared with their mouths agape. (I chose the talking group.)
Here, Pastor Christi and friends show off their style. See, ladies, you TOO can be classy and clothed!
My Boss James and Ty talk shop:
Here’s another festive party-goer I befriended. By befriended I mean I walked up to her and said, “Can I take your picture? What is this, like a Santa zebra pimp outfit?”
“Sure! Do you want me with my car?” she answered.
“Your car? Um, no. I just meant like right here.”
“Okay, well be sure to take a picture of my car later!” she said as I walked off.
“Um? Yeah, sure!” I said, thinking, she sure does love her ride.
I left after that. While I waited for my car, I met a guy named Ryan who is a loan officer with the Big Branch. “What’d you think of the party?” he asked.
“Well, see, with our little branch, we always celebrated good times by eating pizza and playing Catch Phrase in someone’s living room.”
Ryan shook his head in pity at me, so I gave him a scowl.
While scowling, something behind Ryan in the parking lot caught my eye. Is that a…?
Yes, my friends. It’s a zebra car.
Okay, lovely readers, before I go, I have some quick news. Next week I plan to lounge in my pajamas and scratch my stomach instead of writing, so you will all have the opportunity to read a post from our very own Pastor Christi. Stay tuned for that, and I’ll catch back up with you after the holidays. Mer’ Christmas.
Just the Assistant 