OAQs (Questions people asked me once)
Since we’re (okay, well I am) working from home today due to the .02 inches of rain and six clouds ice and sleet and volcanoes paralyzing the city of Houston, and I don’t have any funny office pictures to share (I tried to find funny things to write about in my house and all I came up with was this bag of crumbs I found in my junk drawer. I’d say this is mildly funny, but still lacking),
I thought it’d be a good time to answer some questions this girl at a church brunch asked me one time my overflowing fan mail.
Q: Are they really going to fire you?
A: No clue. I know James wouldn’t fire me (or he wouldn’t if he knows what’s good for him because I will mess that dude up), but now that I technically work for the big branch, I really don’t know. But the latest gossip from corporate (I have a mole there) is that I will not be fired this quarter.
Q: Do you ever get in trouble for what you write?
A: Sometimes. Not so much these days, as I’ve learned what I can and can’t write about. For example, I wouldn’t write about someone getting fired (though oh my gosh y’all, I SO want to when it happens (which is rare)). But yeah, I still kind of get in trouble every once in a while. Last week, I actually received my first hate mail which was kind of cool/kind of scary.
Q: You put up a picture of your dog once. What kind of dog is that?
A. He is a Labradoodle, which Microsoft Word is telling me is not a real word, hence, Microsoft Word can go jump into a freezing Houston bayou.
“Labradoodle not a word” my butt.
Q: Does the stuff you write about actually happen?
A. Oh my gosh, yes.
Q: Are you really a vegan?
A: Not really. I eat a plant-based diet, which means that probably 95% of what I put in my mouth is some form of plant, but I’m not psycho about it, and I still eat pepperoni pizza at least every ten days.
Q: What are interest rates going to do this year?
A: Ha! That’s rich, really!
Q: What is your goal with all of this writing? I mean, what are you doing with your life?
A: I should have goals. Goals are so admirable, really. But, I kind of don’t have any. However, if I did have goals, they would involve becoming an insanely famous writer. Like, sick famous.
Q: Do you write for other people?
A: Yes! The work I do for other companies is way different though. For other companies, I take their content (i.e., boring words), and turn them into funny words. I write some blogs and do other random stuff like rewriting someone’s LinkedIn profile or helping folks write letters that need to be entertaining. I also write a humor business column for Houston Woman Magazine, and they let me be myself (read: obnoxious and kooky and kind of useless) in that piece. (Here’s one I wrote a last year.) Finally, I write a personal blog.
Q: Do you want to write a book one day?
A: Heck yeah! (Now, getting published is a different story.) I’m working on it now. It’s about growing up visiting prisons on Sundays and brothers who listened to death metal (sorry, family – I can change your names if you want). And while we’re on the topic, if you know of an agent who’s just sitting around waiting for someone to hand them the manuscript of the current seven-minute period century, hook a girl up!
Okay folks, if you have any other questions, I will be happy to answer them, unless you are my mother, and in that case, no, you do not deserve to know what actually happened “that night”.
Just the Assistant 