What’s Ups

Here’s what’s ups…

  • V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will is remodeling his house, so while the carpenters refinish his floors, he’s staying with his mother. This morning he woke up to coffee on a tray with condiments in a little glass boat. I’m thinking he should stretch out that remodel.
  • The Bosses hired a new guy named Britt. Britt is louder than my brother (my brother is the loudest human living in the state of Georgia). I honestly don’t know what Britt’s role is yet, but I think it has something to do with yelling, “HEY JASON CAN YOU LOOK AT THIS?!” from his office. More on Britt later.
  • A client told Hottest Mortgage Banker in Texas Hayley to kiss his a$$. Want to know why? Because Hayley asked for his business tax returns. The guy ran his own business. Every single person in the country who owns their own business will need to provide business tax returns in order to obtain a non-shady mortgage. But this guy went totally berserk and said he was going to another mortgage company. Hayley had already locked him into an extremely low interest rate with no fees. Rates increased the day the borrower left us, meaning that the next mortgage bank he goes to will charge him a higher interest rate (in addition to asking him for his business tax returns).
  • We’re all leaving early today to go bowling. If you call and get a voicemail saying your mortgage banker is in a meeting, we’re actually just bowling. It’s some sort of team building activity. There may be a trust fall at the end.
  • Hayley accidentally called a realtor babe a few weeks ago. Thankfully I was loitering nearby with my camera.
  • Bye Babe
  • Three people showed up to the Save the Blog party last week. The Save the Blog party was not last week, but three readers showed up at Cottonwood exactly one week early. I have lovely readers; apparently I do not have detail-oriented readers.
  • I still need more people to come to the actual Save the Blog party. Please, please, help me out. Email me (mchristinaledbetter@gmail.com) or comment below to RSVP.
  • There will be free food and drinks at the party.
  • Please come to the party.
  • Please.
  • Off to bowl.

Things Fall Apart (Seriously)

I came in the office today and walked directly over to Online Dater Jason to inquire about his love life. Instead of finding a smiling, noisy Jason like usual, I found a gloomy Jason all hunched over his desk wearing a visor and glasses (he doesn’t wear glasses). Here’s the thing. Jason woke up in the middle of the night with his allergies going haywire and eyes itching galore. Two hours later he woke again, scratching at his eyes like a wildcat. And this morning when he finally got up, the guy was nearly blind. “Jason,” I said, “I think our readers need to know what you’re going through.”

“I don’t think so,” he said.

“You above sympathy loans?” I offered.

Not above sympathy loans, after all.

Not above sympathy loans, after all.

That got me thinking, maybe I could play up everybody’s ailments here. I passed Hottest Mortgage Banker in Texas Hayley’s cube. “Got any ailments?”

She thought for a while, and then lit up. “I bumped my hand on the door!”


Please send us loans.

Please send us loans.

After seeing the attention everyone else was getting, V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will offered to drum up a flesh wound by smashing his head into his desk.

Ailing Will

Okay, y’all, I’m not even kidding about this next part. As I was prancing around the office asking people for their ailments – “Anybody got any bursitis?” – the ole Boss James walked in. He’d been at the doctor. An orthopedic surgeon. And he was wearing this giant leg cast! I may have physically pushed Jason to the side when I saw James’ ailment. “Sorry Jason. You just got upstaged, buddy.”

Thankfully, James isn’t above trying to score a few sympathy mortgages either.

Help this man. Send mortgages.

Help this man. Send mortgages.

Turns out, James has been experiencing mystery foot pain that resembles, as he says, “someone shoving a knitting needle into my ankle.” (I’ve not had that experience so I’m not sure what’s going on with the ole feet.) He’ll be in the boot for three weeks, and after that, well, we really don’t know. I’ll keep you posted.


What the heck is going on? Y’all, I know I stretch stuff here, but I am not making this up. Just So John just showed up. Half his face is swollen – he just had a tooth pulled! He said the dentist offered him laughing gas for $130 but he said he’d rather buy a new mermaid shirt with that money because it’d make him happier in the long run.

Here’s John demonstrating how he can slap his face and not even feel it.

Help a guy out, y'all.

Vicodin rocks


Jason is back from the optometrist. Poor guy has an ulcer. On his eyeball. Caused from contacts or something.

It’s official. Jason wins. Jason has the worst ailments. Send him the loans.

Okay readers,  please remember to tune in to 700AM in Houston tomorrow evening at 6:00 and listen for my breathing in the background of the finance show (because that’s cool, right? Listening to AM radio on Friday nights?).

Now, I’m out of here before one of my co-workers drops dead. Have a great weekend!

Lies Banks Tell (And a Bird Update)

The Health Department called. The birds outside our office died from ant poison that had been sprinkled on the grass. Funeral service details will be announced later this week.

Now then, listen up…

It’s not uncommon for folks to call our office and ask us to look over a quote they’ve received from a Poopy Big Box Bank or a Janky Pinstriped Suit Lender (well, they don’t ask me, but you know what I mean). Basically, the borrower wants to know if we can beat the other guys’ prices. But here’s an interesting twist. Guess how many times those other quotes have bold face lies splashed across them? Boo coos of times, I tell you, boo coos.

Last week one of Hottest Mortgage Banker in Texas Hayley’s borrowers called her because she’d gotten a quote from a Poopy Big Box Bank. This other quote was in the form of an Excel spreadsheet (fancy, huh?), and contained a fabulously low interest rate, some blatant miscalculations, and a few bold faced lies.

Here’s how that bank lied through their crooked teeth. The borrower, a nice lady looking to buy her first home, planned to put less than 20% down on her house (totally a normal thing to do). Now in this borrower’s case, she absolutely had to obtain mortgage insurance (MI). Anytime any of us gets a loan and we put down less than 20% (unless we’re doing a 2nd loan, which this lady was not), MI is mandatory. But you know what that janky lender left off the quote? The monthly mortgage insurance fee, which amounts to probably over a hundred dollars a month for this lady. It’s not that she wasn’t going to have to pay it, rather the lender didn’t include it on the quote in efforts to make it look like the borrower’s total monthly payment would be way low.

Then the lender included lots of pretty blank spots for title fees and the escrow account, making that monthly payment look lower by the minute.

I asked Hayley about it. She said,

“Their quote looked great since they didn’t list title fees, an escrow account or mortgage insurance. But when I quote someone I am going to list every single fee the borrower is going to have to pay, and I’m going to overestimate some of the ones that we haven’t nailed down yet, because I’d rather have the conversation of ‘Looks like you don’t have to bring as much money to closing as we thought’ than telling someone they actually need twenty thousand dollars more to buy this house.”

[Note: when I say “fees” I’m talking about third-party fees that you’ll have to pay on any loan – fees that the title company or mortgage insurance company are charging, not Envoy.]

I’d planned on pasting the quote here on the blog so you could all see the atrocities, but honestly, I didn’t understand the thing. And that leads me to my lesson. Y’all, I’ve worked in this industry a total of six years now (if I include the mortgage banker I worked for in college who had me pick up her vicious poodle from the groomers once a month), and I honestly still don’t know how to intelligently read quotes. I will openly admit that most of my readers are way smarter than me, but it’s still possible that the average person cannot fully dissect some of these wack lenders’ quotes. And that’s why you need to either a) just get a quote from someone reputable in the first place (like these people) or b) take the janky quote to someone reputable (same people as above), and ask them to go over it with you.

Okay, sorry for the rant today. I just care about y’all (really, I do) and I hate to see folks getting tricked.

Now, off to collect shoe boxes to bury all those dead birds.

Underwear, Boobs, and a Robbery

My husband and I moved into our new home last week. On our first night there, after hauling boxes up stairs all day and making four failed attempts at assembling a bed together and generally pushing our marriage to the limits of what is considered bliss (turns out, we’re going to make it), it was finally time to go to sleep (on a mattress on the floor since we couldn’t figure out the bed). Then we held pillows over our ears and harrumphed through the night as one of the cats paced the hallways of our gorgeous new home loudly mourning the loss of our old house. The next morning I awoke to my husband with a towel around his waist rummaging through the suitcases scattered on the floor. “Hey hon, have you seen my underwear?” he asked.

I scratched my head and thought back to the previous day. Packed the teapot? Check. Packed the dog food? Check. Packed water bottles and scarves and frozen peas and our wedding album? Check. I packed the whole house.

Except for his underwear.

We’d left our old house the day before empty, save for a small bathroom drawer that contained a neat stack of folded undies.

“Uh, I thought you packed your underwear.” Thought I’d try the ole “it’s all your fault” trick.

“No, I didn’t pack them. I guess they’re still in that drawer at the old house?”

“Um. Mm hmm.”

I didn’t have the heart to ask what my husband’s plan was, whether he was going to wear dirty undies or none at all or try to make a pair of mine work. All I know is that he went to work, and I drove to the old house and found the underwear.

So that’s the news on my personal life. Now, on to office scoop.

It’s Just So John’s and Richard’s (I haven’t nicknamed Richard yet) birthdays this week, and some title company brought in like a whole birthday party for them:

John and Richard and The Mermaid

I’d like to remind that title company that my own birthday is August 24th and I’ll be delighted to take some flowers and candies off their hands at that time.

I asked Richard (on the left) how old he’ll be and he proudly told me 50. “Hey! What a great birthday!” I said. Richard is a nice guy and I’m glad he’s been around 50 years. Then I asked Just So John how old he will be and he mouthed out his birthday number (which was his nice way of warning me not to splash his age across the whole internet (43ish)).

Hold up. I just realized John’s shirt has a mermaid on it with shells over her boobs.

Mermaid Boobs

I don’t even know what to say about that. If you get a mortgage with him, please inquire about it and let me know.

Other office scoop: Hottest Mortgage Banker in Texas Hayley witnessed a robbery last night! Oh yes she did. She heard a noise in the night, peered out her window, and watched some dude with a long beard pilfering in her neighbor’s car and putting things into a sack. And then get this. The neighbor had apparently left a drink in the cup holder, and as the thief was stealing everything out of this guy’s car, he paused to take a drink. Out of an old stale Coke! What the what? While Hayley’s husband called the cops, Hayley pushed her own car’s alarm button to scare the crook off.

Well, you know what the crook did? Run away? you ask. Nope. Slowly walked away, and ever so slyly slipped behind a tree. Call the creepy police. That’s nuts! And you know what’s funny?  I got so freaked out and screechy when Hayley got to that part of the story that I didn’t even ask what happened next. And Hayley didn’t say. She just kept going, “Isn’t that creepy!?” and I kept going, “Oh my gosh, yes!” while we grabbed each other’s arms.

Finally, I had a meeting with my ole Boss Chad in which he acknowledged that it appears I will never make this blog what he wants it to be (he wants me to make it some stupid mortgage info haven that nobody will read). I thought he might be about to fire me, but instead he kind of shook his head in disappointment and walked away.

Finally, stay tuned later this week to meet another new guy, Shane. Shane thinks he can sass me. Shane thinks wrong, sucker.

If any of you would like to wish Richard and John a happy birthday, provide Hayley with a home security system, gift my husband some new underwear, or send your condolences to the ole Boss Chad, please comment below. I’m off to stick some duct tape over those mermaid’s boobs.

From Phones to Loans: The Hottest Mortgage Banker in Texas

You know the lady who talks on the phone in the handicap stall in the women’s restroom on our floor? The one who gets perturbed when we flush the toilets because it interrupts her calls? Well she just bought our old office refrigerator. Our front desk receptionist hung signs all over the building advertising our steal-of-a-deal $50 fridge sale, and thirty minutes later Stall Lady showed up with a fifty dollar bill.  I’ll bet she plans to roll that thing into her stall so she can set up shop properly. I’ll keep you posted.

Speaking of office scoop, if you’ve been reading here for any amount of time (and if you have, bless your heart), you’ve heard me mention Hayley. If not, you can check her out here or here. Hayley joined my ole Bosses’ team several years ago, but before that, she worked for our corporate office. The reason I want to brag on Hayley is because I don’t think most people know everything she does around here, and everything she can do for our clients. I pulled her in to give you the full scoop.

From Phones to Loans

An interview with the hottest mortgage banker in Texas, Hayley Rudy

Just the Assistant: First things first: How is Ryder?

Poor Ryder

Hayley: He’s way better. But he’s hyper and likes to jump on things, so now we have to pick him up and place him on the floor when he wants down from the bed. Thank for asking!

[Please note, Hayley’s dachshund, Ryder, pulled a neck muscle last month. We considered forming an office prayer group for him, but it sounds like he’s on the up and up, so that won’t be needed.)

JTA: So you’ve been with Envoy a long time, right?

Hayley: I started working for the corporate office when I was 19.

JTA: And what was your job?

Hayley: I was a receptionist. I answered phones, got the mail, things like that.

Hayley at Envoy

And I had to Google “What is a mortgage?” If they would have seen my Google history they probably would’ve fired me. During the interview, Dana Gompers [one of the founders of our company] asked about my experience and I was like, ‘I was the receptionist at a hair place and I’m really nice on the phone.’ And he hired me. And if he’s reading, tell him thank you! I wouldn’t be where I am today had he not hired me all those years ago.

[Hey Dana, you reading? No? Busy running a mortgage bank? Well maybe one of your friends can pass along the message – Great job in hiring Hayley! You, sir, know how to pick ‘em!]

JTA: Ha! Then what happened?

Hayley: I stayed in that position for about two years, and then I went on to work in HR for a couple of years. The company was so small back then that it was easy work. We only had three branches.

[Now there are 100 branches, of which we are the smartest and most famous.]

JTA: Then what happened?

Hayley: I wanted to go into sales. I had Googled enough at that point that I knew what a mortgage was,  [She’s so funny!] and so I moved into the position of loan coordinator. And less than a year after that, James and Chad asked me to start working as the loan coordinator for their branch. And that’s when we met!

JTA: Yay! Okay, but now you’re a mortgage banker. How’d that happen?

Hayley: I’d been working for James and Chad for about a year when all the laws changed. All of a sudden, because I wasn’t a licensed mortgage banker, I couldn’t talk to their clients about interest rates, even though I knew about interest rates. So James and Chad encouraged me to take classes and get my mortgage banking license. Basically they wanted me to take on more responsibility. I wanted that, too, but I wouldn’t have gone for it had they not encouraged me and been there for me.

When I passed the test I screamed and hugged the administrator. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that.

[Note: I Googled it, and hugging the administrator is, in fact, generally frowned upon.]

JTA: So now you still work some for the ole Bosses James and Chad on their loans, but you do your own loans now, too, right?

Hayley: Yes! It’s the best of both worlds because James and Chad have a lot of tricky loans, like borrowers that are self-employed and stuff. So I get the experience from the tricky files from them, and I’m getting to grow my own business in the meantime and work on my own loans.

JTA: You have your own clients – I love that! What do you want people to know about you?

Hayley: I love what I do. Being at the closing table and seeing people getting a house – that’s why I do this job. I really love seeing people happy. And I love that every situation is different. I like figuring out their story to get them to a loan.

Hayley Loves Her Job

Just the Assistant: Hayley, you’re a rock star. Now go answer all those phone calls!

Y’all, the girl is golden. She practically runs her own business here between managing her own loans and helping James and Chad on theirs. Want to know how much house you can afford? Want to refinance the one you already own? Want that loan from the hottest mortgage banker in Texas? Of course you do! And while you get in touch with Hayley – 713.858.6169 or hrudy@envoymortgage.com – I’m off to grab a Dr. Pepper from the ladies’ room handicap stall.

UPDATE: After posting the above, people started contacting Hayley thinking she’s the toilet lady. What are y’all smoking? Stall Lady and Hayley are two different people. I wouldn’t encourage you all to get mortgages with someone who offices in a bathroom.