Things that have Gone Viral Before Me that Aren’t Even Porn

I have compiled a list of non-porn blogs and videos that have managed to go viral while I have not managed to go viral:

  • A 30-second video of a boat turning. Turning over? you ask? No, dear readers. Turning. If you must, you can watch it here. I have never successfully finished the video, growing so incredibly bored by second 15 that I have to close it. So to be fair, maybe it has gone viral because at the end there really is porn, but I doubt it. (But if that is the case and I’ve just accidentally posted porn to this blog, it’s been nice knowing you all.)
  • Videos of people role-playing with soft voices and pretending to be makeup artists doing your makeup in order to relax you. You can search for these videos on YouTube by typing in “soft spoken relaxation.” I’m not even going to put the link here in efforts to discourage them from going viraler, but it’s just these girls looking into the camera and whispering that “your skin is so moisturized,” and then they search their makeup bags and pull out a brush and start brushing the camera like it’s your face. I thought it was really creepy until I fell asleep while making fun of it to my husband. He was getting ready for bed and I was all, “Oh my gosh look at this video. This girl is all – zzzzzz…”
  • Pictures of two famous people wearing the same dress on different nights to different events, probably in different cities. I’m not even going to say anything about this. It’s ridiculous. I’ve changed my mind; I am going to say something about this. What the poop? And sometimes the famous people aren’t even that famous. It’ll be like, this lady who’s an extra on “The Walking Dead” and the other lady is the co-author of a vegan diet cookbook. Oh, but let’s put it on the front page of Yahoo! News why don’t we?

I’ve got it. Hey Internet, look at this. My cousin and I wore the same shirt. She’s in Georgia and I’m in Texas. Now make me viral.

Same Shirt

  • Stories about waitresses who pay for patrons’ dinners. Like this one. Okay, yes, it’s kind. Oh my gosh it’s not front-page newsworthy though. Hey Internet, I just gave my cleaning lady some throw pillows we didn’t want any more – want to make me viral?
  • Articles telling people to refinance or buy houses. Oh no they didn’t. I will slap their face. I’ve been saying this crap for three years and I even add funny pictures! Oh, but their articles get splashed right alongside the stupid “Stars Wear Same Dress” pictures and next thing you know, viral. I swear I’m going to backhand somebody in the mouth.
  • Another mortgage blog that my Bosses read. It’s these two nerds out of California and they make videos that are never as good as my videos but for some reason my Bosses like it better.
  • Like thirteen thousand blogs about changing diapers and going on play dates.

If you would like for me to go viral like the fine folks above, please send my blog to thirteen million of your closest friends. While you do that, I’m off to see if I can round up any small boys who play the ukulele, that dog who dances to Grease, or Jennifer Aniston.

Hidden Cameras, Hidden Winnings

The elevators in our building have black glass walls, sort of like mirrors. I do a quick booger-check every morning on my way up, assuming I have the elevator to myself, but it just dawned on me for the first time yesterday, What if it’s a camera? What if it’s two-way glass and there are actually security folks behind the glass, riding up and down on a tandem elevator of their own?

If you have any information on whether it’s a camera or not and if so, who’s watching the video feed, please comment below.

Speaking of our building, Otis, our beloved front door man is on strike. He’s not on strike from work, per se, rather, he’s on strike against all of us. Here’s the thing. Every single person who works in this building loves Otis. Seriously, if anybody mentions him, everybody standing around is like, “Otis! I love that guy!” Well, turns out we are all loving him to death. See, whenever any of the offices in this building have extra food, the first thing you hear is, “I’ll bring it down to Otis – he’s so great to us and we should thank him for all he does with these leftover breakfast burritos, all fourteen of them.” And being the accommodating guy Otis is, he graciously takes the burritos. Until now…

Otis’ doctor went bananas and told him he had to stop, or else he’d have to start taking all sorts of medications. Otis knew what he had to do, and that’s why I walked in one day last week and it hit me – Otis is shrinking. “Otis! You’ve lost weight!” I exclaimed.

“Ten pounds.” Seems Otis has begun turning down all the food the folks in this building deliver to him.

“We’ve got to get a picture of this!” I encouraged. Oh, well don’t you know Otis cannot stand to have his picture taken. You’d think he was a ghost or something, like we’ll find out he’s not real once the camera flash goes off. “Got a lot more to lose!” he claimed, patting his belly. I finally convinced him I’d make him famous (which is a total lie because, let’s face it, this is a mortgage blog, so…) and he allowed me one picture. Granted, he grumbled the whole time…”This won’t be good. Uh uh. I’m not gonna like it. Uh uh…” He was still mumbling through his teeth as I took this shot.

Below, the new, svelte Otis:

Otis Lost Ten Pounds!

I told him y’all would love it though, so please leave Otis a bit of love in the comments section below because the guy is awesome. Once he loses ten more pounds we’ll get another shot. Then this will turn into a weight loss blog and we’ll fill it with all these before and after shots. Then, we’ll go viral together, dear readers.

Until then, I’ve got some scoop on Spanish-Speaking Richard. He won third place in some contest Envoy held. I still don’t understand the rules because Envoy took me off their email distributions due to my naughty tendencies to copy and paste the contents onto my blog, but it has something to do with going to lots of open houses and mingling with realtors, two things which Richard does a lot of. I tried to interview Richard about his big win, but interviewing Richard has proven to be one of the more difficult aspects of my job due to the fact that Richard is more polite than anyone else in this office and he won’t make fun of people, nor will he talk himself up. Nada. Here is an enthralling account of the interview:

Just The Assistant: So you went to a lot of networking events, huh? Did you meet anybody you didn’t like?

Spanish-Speaking Richard: No, they were all very nice.

JTA: No way, dude. If you met that many people, at least one of them had to be a jerk, right? Or did anybody get wasted and make a fool of themselves?

SSR: No, it was just very nice.

JTA: Can you give me anything here, Richard? Hey – did you let folks know you can speak Spanish? And did you wear your name tag?

[Dude loves his name tag.]

SSR: Of course I wore my name tag! And yes, I let people know I speak Spanish.

JTA: How do you let them know? Like, do you just drop it on ‘em, like start talking in Spanish? That’s what I’d do. I’d be all, “Hola! Hola! Casa! Biblioteca!”

SSR: No, I just let them know I’m bilingual and I can help their Spanish-speaking clients. I’d tell them while I was out drink- uh, meeting with them.

JTA: Now we’re onto something, Richard! You went out drinking with realtors? That’s great! Then what happened?

SSR: I made a lot of new contacts. Everyone was very nice.

JTA: I’m going to slap you, Richard. Congratulations on your big win.

Spanish-Speaking Richard

Finally, V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will found an app that tells him his wins and losses for this casino he frequents. He hasn’t pulled up the final results yet, but I’ve saved him some time: Will, you lose. Every single time, you lose. Casinos always win. Haven’t you ever watched Dateline? Now if you’d all please give me one million dollars for my “app” you can make checks payable to Just the Assistant.

Alright folks, while you all send your notes of congratulations to Otis and Richard and Will (not really because he doesn’t win), I’m off to confiscate the elevator feed so that images of me staring up my nose don’t end up splashed across the web.

Booger Check