Did you answer mostly As, Bs, or Cs?

Sunday night my husband and I invited a few neighbors over for some cake and wine. After the obligatory chatter about how good the cake was (thanks bakery down the street!), the topic of conversation turned to mortgages. I’m not even kidding. See, my new house is situated in a new community that is still under construction, so barring that nobody flat out paid cash for their house (and if they did, I need to invite them over for cake more), all of my neighbors have recently secured a mortgage. I promise I didn’t bring the conversation up, and I didn’t even prompt them, but do you know what they were saying? I’ll tell you – they were complaining about the Big Box Bank and the crappy service they received. If my blog were a portable device that you could actually clasp in your hand, I would have thrown it in their faces and been all “Woo HA HA HA! Should have been reading my mortgage blog, suckas!”

So that you do not have to become one of my poor neighbors that didn’t close their loans on time and were led astray by the Big Box Bank, I have prepared some help for you. To help save you all the headache of one day deciding on where to secure a mortgage, I present to you a Glamour Magazine style quiz!

[Please note that even though I am writing a Glamour Magazine quiz, I am very angry with Glamour Magazine right now for putting 12-year-old old boys on the cover of August. Seriously, dudes didn’t even have chest hair and I felt dirty reading it.]

What mortgage bank should you use if you need a home loan? A Simple Quiz

1. You’re walking down the street when a pigeon poops on your left ear. You:

a. Chase after that bird and shoot him with your handmade bow and arrow and feed him to your family for dinner.

b. Look around to see if anyone noticed and then run into the nearest store to use their restroom to clean yourself up and possibly text your BFF to share the experience.

c. Shout out loud in the street that you are so happy to have been crapped on.

2. When ready to check out at the grocery store, you:

a. This question is difficult for you to answer because you grow all of your food in your back forty and don’t even know where the closest grocery store is.

b. Find the shortest line or proceed to self checkout.

c. Stand behind a lady with a three-ringed binder full of coupons who will be paying by check that she won’t start filling out until the cashier has given her the total. Actually, the lady hasn’t even pulled the checkbook out of her purse. Instead, she will raise her eyebrows in shock and ask to speak to the manager when her total does not come to zero. This does not bother you. You wait for four hours in line.

3. You are planning a romantic weekend away with that special someone. You:

a. Begin by replacing the horses’ shoes and securing a new hide to the top of your wagon in preparation for the long journey ahead. You will not pack “snacks for the road” as you will kill your own vittles throughout the journey.

b. Check out the hotel online and read the reviews.

c. Decide that you can “find a motel once we’re on the road” and leave your map at home. After seven hours of searching for a spot with vacancies, you convince your lover that sleeping in a truck stop parking lot on the side of Interstate 10 is “romantic.” (Your lover leaves you the next day. You are okay with this.)

You answered:

Mostly As – Transistor Radio Man

You like to keep things old school. The janky mortgage broker you find through clicking a blinking “Zero Percent Interest Rates with No Credit Score!” on the side of your Myspace page is the one for you. It won’t bother you that your mortgage broker works from his mom’s basement and makes you fill out your application in a number 2 pencil. You call that “simply charming!”

Mostly Bs – The Normal Human Being

You are a normal person, ready to tackle the world. You like things done well, in a timely manner by intelligent people. You are a perfect candidate for getting a home loan with the Memorial/Heights Branch of Envoy Mortgage.

Mostly Cs – The Masochist

Pain is the name of your game. The harder life is for you, the better. And if most of it is spent waiting, that’s fine, too. You’ll love the Big Box Banks and relish in the fact that they don’t give a toot about you and never close loans on time.

Alright folks, tune in later this week for some office gossip. Will Recycling Nikki garbage dive again? Will Former Online Dater Jason find true love and shout “Boom!”? Will John find the bathroom floor-peeing culprit? Will Straight-Shooter Shane stop drinking Dr. Pepper? Will Hayley thwart another robbery? Has Will learned his lesson about asking non-pregnant women if they’re pregnant? Will you get to hear about my co-worker Sandra once performing surgery on a man’s nipple? (True story.) Find out later this week. Happy Tuesday, readers.

This and Thats

Broke as a Joke

V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will is still remodeling his house. He stayed with his mom for one night, but he felt so bad that she was waking up at four in the morning to serve him coffee with cream that he ended up taking his family to a hotel. At this point, he has spent more money on the hotel stay than his new floors. I was worried that if I told y’all that you’d think he has tons of money and doesn’t need your business. I voiced my concerns to him. Turns out we don’t have to worry about that because now that Will has lived at the Omni Hotel for five nights in a row, he’s broke! Enjoy those new hardwoods, buddy.

Bullying Training

Our new guy, Britt, has big career plans. But for now, he’s just here so that Jason and Hayley can bully him teach him the ropes of mortgages by giving him lots of work to do and scolding him when he completes it. I tried asking Britt about his new haircut and Jason and Hayley went berserk telling me “Britt is busy! Leave him alone!” I don’t know when these people are going to learn that I don’t listen to them.

Britt’s hair before:

Britt's Hair Before

Britt’s hair after:

Britt's New Hair

Britt’s bullies co-workers:


Chewing the Fat

Straight Shooter Shane thinks he’s fat. He saw a picture of himself at the Save the Blog party and went into a mild depression. (For the record, the dude is totally not fat.) Anyway, he just spent seven minutes in front of the break room refrigerator with the door open, scowling at the fruit and lunch meat. Always helpful, I pushed him out of the way and pointed out exactly what he can eat. “You can have those strawberries, any of those carrots, one piece of bread but only the whole wheat kind and – ”

“I can have that yogurt at the bottom,” he offered.

“Nope. No dairy.”

“What!? What’s wrong with dairy?!” Dude was about to lose it.

“You cut out dairy for a month and you tell me how you feel. That’s all I’m saying.”


Okay he didn’t really roar, but he was close, I tell you. He then proceeded to make a cheese sandwich and then went back to answering the phone and talking about loans.

Shane's Cheese Sandwich

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle…Everything

Our processor Nikki is about to lose it. She asked us all to start recycling about a month ago and the Bosses even bought her a recycling bin. Boy are we recycling now. We recycle everything. Spinach? Yep. Hummus? Yep. Paper bags? Nah, we put those in the trash. Pickle jars with the juice still in them? You got it! Nikki is now spending half of her days rummaging through our recycling bin to sort out the moldy raspberries from the canned goods. But last week James gave her a corner office with a view so she really can’t complain.


Alright readers, I’m off to ask for my own corner office (the cube I’m sitting in now has ants. Seriously.) Oh, and before I go, I have 94 subscribers (famous bloggers have thousands, millions even). Please subscribe on the right and con five of your friends into doing the same so that I can use that to convince the Bosses I deserve an insect-free cube.