What it’s Like to be the Boss

Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to be the boss. Today, I found out…

He’s Got a Window, Damn It

An interview with my Boss, James Beaver

Just the Assistant: First things first. Where the heck have you been?

James Beaver: Well, I’ve traveled more in the past three months than in past the two years combined. I had conferences, a vacation, etc. Secondly, I’ve been meeting with various business relationships, going to functions, happy hours. And tomorrow I’m hosting an event at the Apple store.

James Important

JTA: What’s your favorite part of being the boss?

JB: Um, ah. (Rubs hands through hair) Uh…oh gosh. Well, I get paid last, so I always feel generous because I pay everyone else before myself. So that’s a good part, feeling generous. HAA! HAA!

[Just the Assistant Note: At this point he started laughing. Like a crazy laugh. Like, I didn’t know if I should laugh along or quietly leave.]

JB (Still laughing): Haaa Har! Other than that, I have a window! (Laughs harder)

JTA: What made you decide to start buying us lunch? (They buy us lunch.) Did you think we were too thin?

JB: Somebody told me it was really good for morale, and I like happy people, so buying cold cuts and bread made sense.

JTA: Why is the kitchen still messy?

JB: Christi won’t clean it.

JTA: She just cleaned it! Do you think it’s the employees’ fault that the kitchen is messy, or your fault because it’s like your kitchen? Or are you the slob so it’s like double your fault?

JB (clearly annoyed): As I’ve mentioned before, Christina, I’m NOT the kitchen slob. I reuse other people’s mustard knives and I refill the coffee pot every other day. This BS about “James is the slob” aint’ gonna fly. I’ve got a window, damn it.

JTA: Uh, let’s move on. Okay, though we don’t talk about it on the blog because you’d fire me if I did, over the years, you have had to let some people go. Do you practice before that happens? Do you look in the mirror and go, like, “AND ANOTHER THING! YOU MAKE MESSES IN THE KITCHEN!” Or do you just wing it?

JB: It’s more like stream of consciousness. BUT I have bullet points ready and a form the person has to sign.

JTA: So wait a minute. You have to fire someone and then say, “Can you sign this form?” That’s horrible. Has anyone ever refused to sign it?

James Fires People

JB (thinking): I think somebody did once. (Remembering) Oh yeah, man. Oh yeah she was such a –

[JTA Note: I didn’t think it a smart career move to include James’ next words.]

JTA: So, uh, how many blue dress shirts do you own?

JB: At least 10. I’m trying to work on acquiring brighter colors.

JTA: What do you think about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West getting engaged?

JB: When did that happen? I thought that already happened? I thought she married him and divorced him?

JTA: Nooo. You’re thinking of her other husband. She just had Kanye’s kid though and now she and Kanye are engaged.

JB: Well it’s about time.

JTA: Lots of people find our blog because I use dirty phrases to try to hook in people searching for porn. For instance, in the past quarter, we’ve have people find us by searching “hot ladies” in Google along with “hot lady at the street,” and “viral porn videos” and “can your nipple be ripped off” and “business woman sitting on leather” and “uncensored steak boob slap.” Oh, and “James Beaver.” How does this sit with you?

JB: I’m a little disappointed that people would link porn to my name.

JTA: No! They’re not connecting your name to it. Those were all totally separate searches.

JB: Oh, well bad publicity is good publicity, right? And even dirt bags need mortgages. Maybe you should start using the word dirt bag more?

JTA: I’ll try that. How is your coaching thing going? It sounds horrible to me. Like I would quit if I had to do it.

JB: It’s very good. It’s forcing me to focus on the things that matter most about building a good business. I wish I’d done it four years ago.

JTA: How do you handle it when strangers approach you in public since I’ve made you famous on this blog?

JB:  I’d have to say it’s very humbling. Sometimes I’d just like some privacy. I’d like to have lunch at a nice café without strangers approaching me. But I have to take the good with the bad, huh?

JTA: Yep. Well, at least you have the window, Boss. Now go answer all those dirt bags’ phone calls!

Stupid Reasons They Censor Me

Sometimes my Bosses censor me. Most of the time it’s because they think I’m going to get them fired or make someone very angry at us or land them in the big house. It’s why I try to get people to subscribe to my blog (on the right). That way my freshly pressed posts land right in your inboxes and you won’t have to read the watered down crap they make me change it to after they’ve read my funny stuff and hyperventilated.

It happened Tuesday. My Boss Chad got totally bent out of shape, all because I used the word “bribe” in a mortgage blog. Now, please raise your hand if you think that we actually bribe people to get loans with us. Anybody? I’m not seeing any hands. How about you in the back? Think we bribe people? Think if we did bribe people we’d write about it on the blog? Hmm? Now, I’m going to hold out my hand and I need you to give me a big fat break. Y’all want to know what Chad made me edit Tuesday? A stupid picture of cake balls with the phrase, “Heck yes we bribe people” in the caption. Stop it right there. Let me ask you lovely readers a few more questions. If you were going to bribe someone to get loans with you, with what would you bribe them. Jewels? Cash? Gold? Hawaiian vacations? All good answers. Funny I didn’t hear anyone answer cake balls. Maybe that’s because IT’S SO STINKING OBVIOUS WE’RE NOT BRIBING PEOPLE. Ahem, excuse me. Actually, tell you what, if my bosses land in the slammer due to being accused of bribing people with chocolate to get loans with them, I will personally bail them out of jail and pay their lawyer fees. Anyway, I had to change it to something less funny and I’ll bet you dollars to donuts (I don’t know what that means – it’s something my other Boss James always says) my readership suffers because of it.

It happened a few months ago, too. I wrote such a funny post that ended with telling a nasty person who’d called the office (and screamed obscenities at one of our mortgage bankers) to excuse themself from an event we were hosting. It is possible that I used the letters F and U in my chiding, but only because we were playing bingo that night and it totally fit in with the blog and was funny as toot to see me tie in bingo with F and U. Chad just about had a heart attack that day. About five minutes after I’d posted it (see edited version here), James heard frantic footsteps racing toward his office. Chad looked like a crazy power walker, the type that swing their butts really fast as they pace.

Chad the Power Walker

Chad burst in all, “We can’t say F-U on the blog! We can’t!” His forehead was sweating and he forced James to call me in on the spot and shout, “Take it down!”

Then there was the time I wrote about a training gone wrong, how this lady had given all of us some crazy advice that we weren’t going to take and how we ended the training right there on the spot. James said, “Absolutely not” and dashed any dreams I had of making this blog funny. I’m telling you people, I’m a caged artist over here. Aren’t there laws against this? Any lawyers reading out there? Help a Just the Assistant out!

Now, while you all send me my legal rights, I’m off to rip this duct tape off my big mouth.