Why V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will Needs to Stop Weight Lifting

You know how whenever someone puts their house on the market you see a big realtor sign in their yard? Ever wonder who puts those bad boys in the ground? I’ll tell you who does it. It’s V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will.

Here’s the thing. V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will is married to a Petite-Shaped Realtor, and the Petite-Shaped Realtor needs help nailing For Sale signs all over Houston for the houses she lists. So somehow she suckers Will into doing it for her, along with lots of other assistant duties. Let’s explore this, shall we?

You Realize You’re a Day Laborer, Right?

An Interview with V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will Zugheri

Just the Assistant: Okay Will, what all do you do for your wife, professionally speaking?

V-Shaped Will: Well, I put out all of her signs and take up all her signs once the house she has listed has sold. (Pauses to ponder his next sentence.) Now these aren’t the easy signs where you just step on them and they slide into the grass (motioning stepping onto something with ease). She has the big signs with thick posts at the bottom. You have to have a post hole digger to put them in.

JTA: You have to have a post hole digger?

VSW: I’ve been through several of them. I’ve also broken a couple pipes in folks’ yards. We have a landscape guy on speed dial now.

JTA: Is it because you’re shaped like a V? Like, you’re all “Raaahr!” and throwing all your strength into the holes?

VSW (laughing because he is a happy V-Shaped person and not like the grumpy ones on roids): Something like that. But now I know what to look for. I know all about the different types of soil now. When I broke the first pipe, it was the pipe for their sprinkler system and water started filling the hole I’d dug.

JTA: That could be cool because it would create like a geyser to draw attention to her sign. You should start doing that on purpose.

VSW: We should do exactly that. But now I have a poker tool to help me test the ground before I pull the heavy equipment out. I also carry dirt with me to fill the holes when I take the signs up.

JTA (mouth agape): You carry dirt in your mid-life crisis car?

[Note: Will has a BMW to help him cope with the aging process.]

VSW: I take my wife’s car to do the signs.

JTA: Where do you get the dirt?

VSW: I buy it. There are so many grades of dirt. You can get it for like eight dollars or 99 cents. I go towards the end, toward the 99 centers.

JTA: Tell me Will, how many pieces of equipment from Home Depot does it take to be your wife’s assistant?

VSW: Let’s see. There’s the post hole digger, and then the rod I use to test the soil, then the dirt, and I have a grinder to sharpen the post hole digger.

JTA: Dude, you realize you’re a day laborer, right? Does she pay you?

VSW: I’m pretty cheap labor. But she always says thank you. Every time I get in her car she thanks me. But sometimes I still remind her that I put out the signs. I’ll talk about how my back hurts from putting out all the signs that day.

JTA: I would do that to. Except for I’d slip it in. I’d be like, “Yeah today when I was putting out the fourth sign I saw a bird.” What else do you do for her?

VSW: Open houses – sometimes my wife gets tied up so I sit in them in while people come through.

JTA: You answer questions and stuff?

VSW: I can answer mortgage questions and talk about rates of course because I’m a mortgage banker, but I can’t say the square footage of house. You have to be a licensed realtor to tell someone the square footage, so I just point to the flyer and say “It says on here…”

JTA: Ha! You just have to sit there all dumb in the corner. Anything else?

VSW (all nonchalant): I put gas in her car, too. Like this morning I asked if she was going to have to do a lot of running around. She was, so I filled her car up.

JTA: Ohmygosh my husband does that too, and it speaks straight to my soul. You’re a good husband, Will. How many signs do you have to put out today?

VSW: Today I have four.

JTA: Maybe you should sit at my desk since you’re really just an assistant, too. Do you think you’ll start your own blog? Like, Just the Other Assistant dot com? Here, sit at my desk.

Will the Assistant

Okay folks, please honk at Will the next time you see him laboring away on the side of the road, just to encourage him. But don’t honk too many times because the dude apparently doesn’t realize his own strength so he might end up ripping a live oak down with his bare hands in the midst of the distraction.

Now, you all have a fab weekend while I show Will how to set up his WordPress account.

Game Play

I just walked into the office and placed my lunch, phone, car keys and cardigan in the refrigerator. Other than that, there are three things happening…

The Flirt

Hollywood Insider Gobe is being flirted with by an obnoxious client. Says Gobe of her suitor, “I just act like a dumba$$ and pretend I don’t get that he’s flirting with me.” She didn’t get her own office for nothing, folks.

Gobe Doesn't get it

The Steaks

Last week a steak salesman came to our office. Our front desk wonder lady Christi escorted him in and said, “Excuse me everyone. We have an announcement.” I thought maybe we were all getting raises or something so I stood up from my cube to hear the big news. Instead, this guy is like, “I’ve got marbled steaks, center cut steaks, rib eye…” That’s when I sat back down, mouthing “vegan” and giving him a little nod on my way down.

Online Dater Mortgage Banker Jason was on the phone during the cattle presentation. As I was about to give the meat man the slit my throat motion so that he’d shut up and quit interrupting Jason’s call, Jason says into the phone, “Hold on one sec,” and then to the steak man, “You said you got center cut?”

Four minutes later Jason is knee-deep in negotiations in our foyer…

Steak Negotiations

And six minutes after that we all had to step over Jason in the foyer because there he was, pawing through this big cooler of raw meats. In the foyer.

Now this is what our freezer looks like. I made Christi pose with the meat since she let the guy in here in the first place.

Steaks in the Freezer

It’s $200 worth of beef, by the way, on which Jason notes, “Considering how much meat I eat, it’s actually saving me money versus going to the store.” Not willy nilly with our money here at the mortgage office, folks.

The Games

The ole Boss James thinks we’re all getting chubby (probably due to the meat salesman episode) so he’s making us compete in a weight-loss challenge. Oh kidding. James wants us all to be healthy so he’s offering the opportunity to compete in a health challenge. So in addition to working on home loans, everybody is all writing down everything they eat and slapping each others’ hands when somebody reaches for the cheesy puffs. We get points for stuff, like drinking a certain amount of water and getting enough sleep. The first day of the competition I drank like half a gallon of water before breakfast, scared that I wouldn’t be able to squeeze it all in. By eleven AM I’d met the hydration requirements and was so full of water I didn’t want lunch. Kidding. I always eat lunch. But I drank a lot of water that day.

Below, James spies on encourages his employees.

James Spying

I’m pretty sure Online Dater Jason will be earning the total possible points for recording what he eats each day as it shouldn’t be too complicated (“steak, meat, hamburger…”).

Alright folks, you all have a happy week and I’m off to jot down my organic oat consumption for the day, right after I fish my notebook out of the refrigerator.