My New Pal Sandra and the Unfortunate Incident with a Man’s Nipple

I stopped at Kroger yesterday on my way home from work. As I walked towards the store through the parking lot, I noticed a tall man, probably in his thirties, prancing out of the store wearing long shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. We caught eyes, and while I immediately looked away (one man woman, I am), he continued the stare. “HEY! I like your necklace!” he shouted. We were still a good thirty? forty? feet away from each other. Forgive me; I cannot guess distances beyond 18 inches. However far it was though, I knew good and well this dude couldn’t make out anything about my necklace.

“Thanks!” I chirped, planning to skip right past him.

By this point he’d walked up to me. “I got this one a while back,” he said, standing over me and holding out a large carving of an eagle dangling from a black leather strap tied around his neck.

“I like your necklace, too!” I smiled, and began to walk away. “Have a good day!”

“Okay you too! AND I LIKE YOUR EARRINGS!” he shouted to my back.

“Uh huh! Thanks!”

You want to know what the funny part was? Besides the eagle, I mean. My earrings were new and afterward  I thought, “I knew these earrings were super chic!” as I stuffed my organic kale into a sack.

Speaking of chic, I’ve got some scoop for you.

Are you ready?

Here it goes:

My co-worker Sandra performed surgery on a man’s nipple.

It was her brother-in-law’s nipple. What the what!? Oh yes she did! Oh, and the chic part comes into play because in addition to being quite skilled when it comes to impromptu surgeries, Sandra always dresses really nice, like she’s about to go on television. I don’t think that’s why the Bosses hired her but it’s for sure why I would have hired her.

See? Ain’t she a beaut?!

Sandra's Clothes

Sandra is a loan partner with V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will and Hollywood Insider Gobe. This entails very important, super secret powers that I do not understand, but I’ve heard Sandra is fabulous at what she does so let’s just leave it at that. I’ve also heard her on the phone and she’s so nice it kind of makes me want to get another mortgage, just so I can talk to her.

On one of her first days here I started badgering her about any funny stories she had up her sleeve. I had been thinking, like, mortgage stories (snore), but that Sandra is quick on her feet and did me one better.

Let’s pick up right after Sandra broke the news to me…

What the Heck did You Just Say?

An interview with Loan Partner, Sandra Grein

Just the Assistant: Sandra, what in the world are you talking about? Oh my gosh.

Sandra: He had a nipple ring, and he was trying to squeeze past a truck. So he was shimmying between the garage wall and the truck, and the nipple ring got caught on the brush guard and ripped off, taking the nipple with it.

JTA (gagging and covering face): Caaaglaaableh! Oh my gosh! Then what happened?

Sandra: But it was still attached. Just dangling by a little piece of skin, like a flap.

JTA: I can’t handle this. Oh my gosh I’m so glad they hired you.

Sandra: He wouldn’t go to a doctor, and I had some numbing cream, so we numbed it, and I clipped off the dangling part with fingernail snips.

JTA (peeking through fingers): Oh. My….Fingernail clippers?! Does he have a scar? Does he still even have a nipple?

Sandra: It’s great! The scar is gone and it looks really good now!

JTA: You’re amazing! Now we know who to turn to if we have any “incidents” here in the office. I honestly don’t know whether to throw up or hug you. That’s the best story I’ve ever heard.

Y’all, this lady is awesome. If you’d like to get in touch with her, let me know and I can give you the hookup. Until then, you all have a smashing weekend and I’m off to buy more earrings.

Schemes

Our wonderful maintenance man Juan is here fixing our broken lights today. I guess the Bosses had been trying to save money by making us all work in the dark for a while, but enough is enough, people. Online Dater Mortgage Banker Jason Bates is trying to loiter underneath Juan in hopes of having a drill dropped on his head so he can sue the building. “Then we’d change the name of this place from Midtown Plaza to Bates Plaza!” Jason hissed as he tried to weasel his way beneath Juan’s ladder.

Jason and Juan

A few people have been asking me if the ole Bosses were really going to take me down had I not delivered 50 readers to the Save the Blog party. Even my brother thought I was going to get fired. I have to say, I think it would have been totally hilarious if only 49 of you showed up, and then the Bosses could have dramatically pulled the plug on my laptop and shooed me out of the bar. Then y’all could have booed me and threw your free beers at my back as I slunk to my car…

But y’all, come on. Isn’t it obvious who runs this show? (That would be me.) I’ve got these ole Bosses eating out of my hand. I say jump and they say, well, they say something to the extent of “I seriously can’t believe you’re still here. Did you ever figure out how to use the copy machine?” And I’m like, “Not really.”

Speaking of jumping, the Bosses took us on a bowling excursion last week (most of us jumped up and down upon not landing gutter balls). Some of us handled ourselves nicely. Some drank shots of tequila upon arrival. I’m not saying who’s who.

Below, Spanish-Speaking Richard (he also speaks English, by the way) after nailing three pins. I don’t know why he always wears a nametag, but he’s so nice I feel like I shouldn’t make fun of him even though the nametag thing is a make-fun-of-worthy characteristic:

Richard

Online Dater Jason tried to teach Sandra to bowl. I think Sandra is better off ignoring Jason.

Pick up that Ball

But I can't see

Throw it!

Straight-Shooter Shane ended up winning. I can’t say we’re not nervous about Shane having yet another reason to gloat.

Shane the Winner

The bowling deal was spun as a team-building gig. Team building my eye, I say. An hour into it, the ole Boss Chad pulled me aside, in a bowling alley, to tell me how he didn’t like one of my recent posts. I squinted my eyes at him and asked, “Why are you telling me this in a bowling alley? On a team building event. You sure aren’t very buildy, Chad.”

Just So John wasn’t at the bowling soiree (and good thing since Chad was so rude). Instead, he was lounging on a Hawaiian beach. He’s back now (in a Hawaiian shirt). Said Just So John: “Do you think it’d be too gross to put my sunburned belly in your newsletter?”

Yes, John. Yes it would. And it’s a blog, not a newsletter. Get back to your loans.

Just So Hawaiian John

Okay folks, I’m out of here before Jason gets hit by a screwdriver, Chad tries to “build me up” again, or Just So John tries to give me any more ideas for my newsletter.