I Made a Presentation

Straight Shooter Shane is speaking at a loan officer marketing lab next week.

“What? A lab? You’re going to a lab? What are you talking about?” I asked.

“It’s a group of loan officers who discuss how to market,” Straight Shooter Shane replied.

“What do they want you to talk about?” I asked.

“Realtor relationships.”

“What are you going to say?” I asked, instantly nervous for him though he seemed quite calm.

“I’m not exactly sure yet.”

With that, I thought it only best for me to write Shane’s presentation for him. You know, just doin’ what I can, people…

 Just the Assistant’s Handy Steps to Wow Realtors:

Step 1

Step 2

Step Three

Step 4

Step 5

Now that Straight Shooter Shane has some time on his hands (since he doesn’t have to worry with his presentation anymore) feel free to send him hundreds of home loans.

Now, I’m off to explore careers in graphic design.


Please Help Straight Shooter Shane Take Over the World

The Art

We got a new piece of art for the office. I think it looks like a lady filling out a loan application over the phone. And the dude is her lover, and he’s all listening in to make sure she does it right, or else he’s out the door, you hear?

"I'll take the 30-year fixed, darling."

“I’ll take the 30-year fixed, darling.”


The Giveaway

Straight Shooter Shane is trying out Facebook marketing. He asked me, “What would make you click on a Facebook ad for a mortgage banker?” I told him he better not put anything psycho like “LOW INTEREST RATES! CALL NOW!!!!” and he’s assured me he’s not going down that road, but he’s still struggling to decide on the wording. I told him that I’d want it to say something like “Get a loan with an honest mortgage banker,” or like, “Want an honest, attentive mortgage banker?” But then I realized that last line sounds like you’re talking about a boyfriend, so maybe that’s not good.

What do y’all think? Would you ever click on a Facebook ad for a mortgage banker? And do you think Shane should put up a picture of his family? I don’t. I’ve always thought it’s silly when furniture stores or pickup truck dealers put their kids in the commercial. It actually makes me not want to do business with them. I’m like, “Listen dude, you’re probably too busy changing diapers to properly serve me.” Just kidding. I’m really not like that. Well, kind of I am.

Okay folks, please comment below with your fabulous ideas, or email Shane – Sdavis@envoymortgage.com. He only gets 20 characters for the heading, so make it snappy and brief, people. (I just checked and twenty characters is pretty much two or three words, so do your best, folks.) But, he gets 90 characters for the body, so have a hay day, readers!

Now, the fun part. If you submit the winning slogan, Shane will give you a 0% mortgage! Okay, no he won’t, but he might write you back and be all, “Thank you!”

And, he’ll send you a $25 Target Gift Card! What!?

Target Gift Card

But here’s the thing. If y’all just end up sending us a bunch of crap and Shane doesn’t want to use any of it, there will be no prize. (Not that I think y’all will send crap, but in the event that you’ve all taken up heavy drinking while blog reading, I’m going to protect Shane from any “We does good murtagess” ideas.)

You can submit as many ideas as you’d like.

Alright folks, send over your slogans, pitches, and hooks. Shane will choose the winner in one week. (And remember, nobody enters my giveaways, like not even my mom, so chances are good folks, chances are good.)

A Secret Handshake, Scientology, and a New Guy

So there’s this new guy working here named Shane. Shane is a mortgage banker. He’s also a bit ornery but for some reason I like him anyway. He used to work for a crazy boss who was BFFs with John Travolta, too. Y’all just need to read on…

The Church of Mortgageology

An Interview with Sassy Mortgage Banker, Shane Davis

Just the Assistant: First things first, why do you think you can sass me?

[Note: Shane sassed me a couple of weeks ago and I threatened to write a whole blog post about his attitude.]

Shane (obviously not hearing my question): Did you see I put up some new pictures of my kid on Facebook?

[He had actually emailed me a few hours earlier to tell me he put new pictures up of his son. I’m not making this up.]

Just the Assistant: Mm hmm. So cute. Now listen, how long have you been in this business?

SD: Since 2006. I started working in Dallas at this company that was straight off of Boiler Room. The owner of the company would go to these big marketing conferences that were all hosted by Scientology – he was a Scientologist – and then he’d come back and change things at the company.

[Note: You should totally see Boiler Room.]

JTA: Wait a minute. Scientology? Did Tom Cruise work there, too?

SD: No, but my boss was friends with him, and one time after one of those conferences, John Travolta flew my boss back to Dallas on his private jet.

JTA: Shut UP!  Wait a minute. What kind of place was this? Are you nuts?

SD: It was crazy. I was only there a year. Sometimes if my boss was having a bad day, he’d just fire people.

JTA: That won’t happen here. The ole Bosses are typically pretty level-headed. Except for this one time I forgot to order lunch for an event and James went bananas on me. And I’ve never heard them mention Tom Cruise when discussing their weekend plans. Did you go to college?

SD: Yeah I went to Texas Tech and got a degree in  marketing and management.

JTA (immediately cautious of a power struggle like Dwight on “The Office”): Wait a minute. Management? Are you trying to get James’ job? Oh no, you aren’t like Dwight are you?

SD: I had James’ job at my former company.

JTA: You were a manager? Oh my gosh, this can’t be good. I’ve got to warn James. Why did you come here if you were the manager?

SD: My former company took 40 days for underwriters to approve loans.

JTA: I don’t know what that means. How long does it take Envoy?

SD: 48 hours.

Sassy Shane

JTA: Oh, well that’s quite good. Do you like it here? I mean, why else did you come to work here?

SD: Gobe was the reason. I trust her. She’s been telling me to come on board for a while. James looked like an honest guy as well. You can tell when someone is sincere or is just telling you what you want to hear. I like the fact that it’s extremely hard to impress me…and I was impressed with the systems in place and the knowledge. What I can tell already, is Envoy is three steps ahead of everyone else…I know because I’ve worked at and know people who are at “everyone else.”

JTA: Oh yes, I forgot you are friends with Gobe [another of our famous mortgage bankers]. How do you know her?

SD: Her husband and I were pledge brothers. I was in their wedding.

JTA: Pledge brothers? That’s so weird. Do y’all have a secret handshake?

SD: Yep.

JTA: Well? What is it? Show me the shake.

SD: Nope.

JTA: That is so weird. That is just so weird. Do your clients know about this? And speaking of clients, I know you get a lot of repeat business. Why do folks come back to you?

SD: I do what I say I’m going to do. Even if it’s hard, I get the job done. And I don’t tell people what they want to hear. I tell them the truth.

JTA: You’re doing an interesting loan right now for a client. What is it?

SD: It’s a loan for people who want to buy or refinance a home and tie in some funds for home repairs or remodeling into the mortgage. It’s not for anything structural like adding on a room, but for remodeling a kitchen or putting down new floors, it’s perfect. It’s called a 203K…

[He told me all the details, but I lost interest. If you want to know more, he’s happy to give you the whole scoop – Sdavis@envoymortgage.com]

JTA: That’s cool. Do you do normal loans too?

SD: I do everything.

JTA: What does your wife think about how sassy you are?

SD: She’s worse than me!

JTA: Oh my gosh, y’all are like a match made in Heaven. Are y’all the people who take one picture of your child every day of his life so you can have some flipbook thing at his high school graduation party?

SD: No. I just put pictures up on Facebook because our families live out of town.

JTA: Okay, I’ll give you that. I totally get it because my mom is all the time, “How’s Cowboy?” and I’m like, oh yeah I need to put up some more pictures of my dog. Alright Shane, thanks for your time. Now go answer all those phone calls!

Sassy Shane on the Phone

If you’d like to get sassed by Shane or view the Facebook album of his son’s whole life, you can find Shane’s info on my fancy Who’s Who page. And while you do that, I’m off to contact his old boss about hooking me up to meet Suri Cruise so she can help me go viral.