This and Thats

Broke as a Joke

V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will is still remodeling his house. He stayed with his mom for one night, but he felt so bad that she was waking up at four in the morning to serve him coffee with cream that he ended up taking his family to a hotel. At this point, he has spent more money on the hotel stay than his new floors. I was worried that if I told y’all that you’d think he has tons of money and doesn’t need your business. I voiced my concerns to him. Turns out we don’t have to worry about that because now that Will has lived at the Omni Hotel for five nights in a row, he’s broke! Enjoy those new hardwoods, buddy.

Bullying Training

Our new guy, Britt, has big career plans. But for now, he’s just here so that Jason and Hayley can bully him teach him the ropes of mortgages by giving him lots of work to do and scolding him when he completes it. I tried asking Britt about his new haircut and Jason and Hayley went berserk telling me “Britt is busy! Leave him alone!” I don’t know when these people are going to learn that I don’t listen to them.

Britt’s hair before:

Britt's Hair Before

Britt’s hair after:

Britt's New Hair

Britt’s bullies co-workers:


Chewing the Fat

Straight Shooter Shane thinks he’s fat. He saw a picture of himself at the Save the Blog party and went into a mild depression. (For the record, the dude is totally not fat.) Anyway, he just spent seven minutes in front of the break room refrigerator with the door open, scowling at the fruit and lunch meat. Always helpful, I pushed him out of the way and pointed out exactly what he can eat. “You can have those strawberries, any of those carrots, one piece of bread but only the whole wheat kind and – ”

“I can have that yogurt at the bottom,” he offered.

“Nope. No dairy.”

“What!? What’s wrong with dairy?!” Dude was about to lose it.

“You cut out dairy for a month and you tell me how you feel. That’s all I’m saying.”


Okay he didn’t really roar, but he was close, I tell you. He then proceeded to make a cheese sandwich and then went back to answering the phone and talking about loans.

Shane's Cheese Sandwich

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle…Everything

Our processor Nikki is about to lose it. She asked us all to start recycling about a month ago and the Bosses even bought her a recycling bin. Boy are we recycling now. We recycle everything. Spinach? Yep. Hummus? Yep. Paper bags? Nah, we put those in the trash. Pickle jars with the juice still in them? You got it! Nikki is now spending half of her days rummaging through our recycling bin to sort out the moldy raspberries from the canned goods. But last week James gave her a corner office with a view so she really can’t complain.


Alright readers, I’m off to ask for my own corner office (the cube I’m sitting in now has ants. Seriously.) Oh, and before I go, I have 94 subscribers (famous bloggers have thousands, millions even). Please subscribe on the right and con five of your friends into doing the same so that I can use that to convince the Bosses I deserve an insect-free cube.


Is Meeting with a Mortgage Banker like Going to a Snooty Hair Salon?

The first time I go to a new hairdresser I’m always a nervous wreck. I sit up straight on the waiting area couch and study the magazines in front with a bit too much intensity. You see, hair salons scare me to death. It seems like everyone else walks in and gives the hairdresser a hug and asks the girl at the counter how her mom is doing, then they all laugh about some inside joke involving quick weight loss. Then there’s always the snide remark once I get in the chair about the state of my frizzy hair. It’s the reason I end up handing my husband a pair of scissors twice a year and saying, “Just straight across the back, babe.”

You may be wondering if it’ll be like this if you come in to chat with the best mortgage bankers in Texas about a home loan. Will everyone else who comes in give the ole Bosses a bear hug and leave you to wither on the swanky waiting room furniture? Will they all discuss their latest Botox injections and exclude you from the banter? Will they ridicule your credit score and laugh at your frizzy hair?

Have no fear, my dear readers. I have uncovered the mystery for you, because I, Just the Assistant, got to sit in on a meeting with James and a client last week.

First of all, our client, whom I’ll call Jason because I honestly don’t remember his name and it’d probably be illegal to mention if I did, arrived about two minutes early. There was nobody else in our charming waiting area, not even a receptionist, but James and I heard him enter and immediately went out to greet him, shaking hands and making Jason feel totally like one of the fam. “Hey! How was traffic!? Find us okay?!”

Then we all entered the little conference room and began. Jason was there because he is using James to get a home loan for a house he is buying. He’ll be selling his current house first, so he had some questions about timing and such. So that’s how we began; James opening the floor for any of Jason’s questions. I think Jason had two questions, and James answered them in his usual dissertation style (easy to understand, but quite long-winded, I say). I suppose that makes him good at what he does, but I really think he should consider implementing teen speak: “I’ll tote help u get that mort.”

After James answered the questions, he then walked Jason through a chart displayed on a screen on the wall that James maneuvered using his iPad. Are we in the future or what? This chart laid out the entire loan process, from application to appraisal to closing, and James explained what Jason would have to do and when. Easy stuff like, “When we ask for this document, send it over quickly.” I nodded vigorously here. “And at this point, order yourself some insurance on your new home.” Again, affirming nods.

After that it was another time for questions. Jason had none and even said, “You explained everything really well.” Go ole Boss!

Finally, James pulled up a screen showing Jason the different loan options he had available to him and walked him through the nuances of the different types of loans. For instance, the fifteen-year loan would give Jason a lower interest rate, but a higher monthly payment. They then compared that loan to a thirty-year loan that would give him a lower monthly payment, but in the long run cost more.

James told Jason to let him know when he gets a contract on a house and they’d move forward from there. Then we all shook hands again and told Jason to have a great day.

And that was it. It lasted about 40 minutes. And there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

Okay my favorite readers, you all have a happy happy Fourth of July and we’ll regroup later in the week.

And if you’d like to set up a very friendly meeting with James or Chad, let me know and I’ll arrange everything. My husband is currently out of town though, so I may or may not ask you to give me quick trim afterward.