A Pirate, a Pregnancy, and a Party

A Pirate

Y’all, a pirate tried to scam our branch. A real live pirate. An ink pirate. Listen to this. A couple of weeks ago, our Front Desk Wonder Lady Christi, received a call. “Envoy Mortgage, this is Christi.” The caller jumped right in, “This is Tim Andrews. Hey, I’ve got your ink ready for your [insert name of our printer here] and I just found out the price is about to go up. This is Tim Andrews. I can send you what we’ve got in stock right now. It’s ready to ship. Just let me know. This is Tim Andrews.”

But here’s the thing. We have an ink guy. His name is Greg and he’s so nice and we’ve been using him for years. But this wasn’t Greg, it was Tim Andrews. How did Tim Andrews know what kind of printer we have? It wasn’t like he said, “your printer;” he said, “your something something 3293 something 007 printer.” And he really did say his name like eleven times and talked super fast. And I figure since he was so proud of his name, he wouldn’t mind me splashing all over my blog.

Finally, Christi said, “Who do you work for?”


Tim Andrews hung up. And Front Desk Wonder Lady Christi called Greg. Here’s what’s up. Did y’all know there are such things as toner pirates? Greg filled us in. What these pirates do (seriously, they’re known in the printer biz as pirates) is call offices and claim that they’ve got the last of whatever ink that office uses before the prices hike. Then, once you agree, they send like $2000 worth of that ink. They’ll say “I’ve got one shipment left” but by “shipment” they literally mean a whole pallet of ink. Greg said it’s happening all the time. He also said, “With my company, you will only talk to me.” Good ole Greg.

Christi then chatted with our beloved front door man Otis, requesting he not let anybody toting two grand of ink up to our office. And you better believe Otis has our back. You hear that Tim Andrews!?

I will cut you

But we’ve still got a mystery on our hands. How do the pirates find out what type of printer we have? If any of y’all know, please let us know. And if you happen to know Tim Andrews, let him know he messed with the wrong branch of Envoy Mortgage, punk. But say punk with a lot of force, like we’ll totally mess him up. Then go, “What!” and kind of throw your shoulders at him.

A Pregnancy

Speaking of people who have it coming, V-Shaped Mortgage Banker Will is in trouble. Let me give you all a little background. Seventeen years ago, V-Shaped Will made a very poor decision. V-Shaped Will asked a woman if she was pregnant (she wasn’t). It was a horrible situation and he’s regretted it ever since. So wouldn’t it be great if he’d learned his lesson? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Below, some guidelines concerning when you can ask a woman if she is pregnant:

  • She is in labor and asking you for a ride to the hospital. Then you may ask if she is pregnant.
  • She is giving birth in the back of a cab and asking you to deliver the baby. Then you may ask if she is pregnant.
  • She is proudly rubbing her belly and says, “I’ve got a bun in the oven.” You may NOT ask. It’s still not safe.
  • She is from an insurance agency and brings breakfast to your mortgage office and says absolutely nothing about being pregnant. YOU MAY NOT ASK. Too bad Will did anyway. Too bad the lady was just full from lunch. Tsk tsk tsk, V-Shaped Will. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Finally, before I beg you to come to my Save the Blog party, it’s time I fill you in on everybody’s ailments around here:

Online Dater Jason’s eye is healing nicely. He still can’t wear his contacts, but he says his eye feels less “on fire” than it previously had.

The ole Boss James is still in the boot and stomping around the office like he thinks he’s something.

Just So John had the stitches removed from his pulled tooth:

John's Tooth

Straight Shooter Shane didn’t have an ailment last week, but I hounded him for one today and he came up with an old shoulder injury from college:

Shane's Shoulder

It probably hurts like crazy

Sympathy loans welcome.

A Party

And speaking of sympathy, please come to my Save the Blog party:

June 13th – Drop by anytime between 5:30 – 8:30 PM at Cottonwood – 3422 N Shepherd Dr  Houston, TX 77018. Come hungry and thirsty!

If I don’t get 50 people to show up, my silly ole Bosses say they’ll take down the blog. Save Just the Assistant, people! There is no formal invitation going out. To RSVP, reply below or email me. Will you come?