Somebody has been throwing staples all over my desk and they’re about to get a stapler to the jaw if they keep it up. I’ve been out of the office for the past two weeks and have returned to find that most of my co-workers are recovering from the flu, but if they think I’m above throwing office supplies at someone with a fever, they’re wrong.

Try me.

So while the office recovers from ailments and/or thrown-hard-object-related injuries, I’m going to dig up some dirt from the past for your reading pleasure. Below, a fun story that took place in 2013 about which James would not let me write. Surely there’s some sort of statute of limitations on this stuff, right?

It all started during a team meeting in which James was trying to think of ways to wield his power over others. It was essentially a brainstorming session on how to punish people:

“We should slap them! Like when you join a gang!”

“We should make them give us money!”

“Make them buy us lunch!”

“Or maybe we should make them dance in front of the office,” James pondered aloud.

“We should make them twerk!” someone (who no longer works here) suggested.

“What is twerking?” James asked. “Yeah, what’s twerking?” I chimed, somewhat deflated that nobody liked my gang initiation idea.

“Uh, I don’t really know. Just look it up,” suggested the same person (full of ideas, I tell you). So James looked it up on YouTube with his computer…

His computer that was linked to the conference room big screen.

And for the next twelve seconds we all watched in horror as a questionably dressed woman somewhere in Ohio humped a display of frozen cabbage in a grocery store. At the same time the guilty person over whom we were discussing punishments cried, “I’m not doing that in front of the office!”

James hurriedly fumbled with his mouse to close the video, then glared at me typing away and shook his head, daring me to defy him. Woo ha ha ha!

And that’s how our office learned the facts on twerking.

Before I go, would you please take my survey? I’d like to know what to focus on for the next year with this blog, but since most people find me by searching for porn (boy are they disappointed), I don’t really know what the thousands hundreds seven of you like to read. Oh, and you can choose more than one answer.

Now, off to sharpen my stapler.